Most of my entries are just the goings ons of my training, but this is something more serious I feel like tackling. I don't have a lot of viewers anyway, so it's not like I'm really exploiting myself. I've ran since middle school, and up until I was pregnant in senior year (I know, terrible haha), I was under a hundred pounds. I was a bony little lady but I still would look in the mirror before my shower & make sure my stomach wasn't bulging (I know, I know). It didn't get too out of control & I never watched what I ate, really. Then I had Isabel.. I gained 80lbs and was quite larger than I needed to be for quite some time, even after giving birth. In the last 2 years I got real thin again, and half the time a size one is saggy in the waist. However, my weight will fluctuate abouut 6lbs here & there (6lbs is a lot for a small sized person!). Sometimes I'll stand in the mirror in my underwear for a good half hour and just stare at myself freaking out. I'll turn to the side, turn different lights on, suck in random things, blah blah. I KNOW I'm not big. But I can't help but do this regularly. I constantly am feeling to make sure my collar bone and spine aren't hidden behind layers of mush (crazy, I know) and if I'm even having the slightest big of a "fat day", I'll refuse to wear anything tight. I'll go weeks without eating anything "bad" and make sure to run and run and run. I don't feel like I starve myself, and I don't over-run. Ok, I did run 226 consecutive days before I broke my foot but that had nothing to do with me being thin. I also don't just worry about being thin. I want to make sure my legs are completely toned. I constantly make sure the muscles are prominent. I worry this will go on for the remainder of my life.
I have talked to people about it here & there, but it's not that big of an issue, so it never is really addressed. I do make sure not to weigh myself because if I see a number that I don't like, I'll get into a sad little funk. I also stopped taking any sort of medication because I worry I'll gain weight from it.I realize this is all unhealthy & mostly in my head, but some days I just can't convince myself I'm not in the correct shape.
If it makes any of this better, I make sure not to say anything regarding weight in front of Isabel. I don't want her to grow up with image issues, so I make sure to keep my fears away from her ears.
My next post won't be so lame. :)
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