Maybe he's stuck in Jumanji and we just need to roll a 5 or an 8...

Last Monday, when I initially found out that Robin Williams had died, I was super sad. I mean, I've never really been distraught over a celebrity death before, but I mean.. I loved Robin and when I heard that it was from suicide? It made me even sadder. I tried not to read up on it because I get stuck in my own mopey head sometimes, but then this article showed up on my newsfeed:
http://www.runnersworld.com/runners-stories/robin-williams-my-teammate

He was a runner. He wasn't just the Genie, or Alan from Jumanji, or Patch Adams or Peter Pan.. He was someone like me. This post might come off as self centered, but it's not intended that way. It's just me trying to sort my feelings on something that effected me more than I thought it would.

I have seen so many different arguments in so many different blogs. So many people say that it was selfish and he was a coward. And then there's the side of saying he was truly troubled because fill in the blank. And he's at peace now and will never have to suffer. The truth is, it's not anyone's job to decide what his reasoning was, or what was troubling someone so much that they decided to take their own life. It's also not anyone's place to judge whether or not it was selfish, especially if he has no relation to you and isn't a direct part of your life. I also notice it's usually people who have never dealt with some sort of mental illness who have a hard time understanding and lack any sort of empathy to the situation.

My life is different than Robin's. Our situations are not comparable. However. I have struggled my entire life with depression, anxiety, etc. When I was a junior in high school, I really did try to take my own life. I'll spare the details because it doesn't matter at this point, over 10 years later, but I had a couple week hospital stay, my parents got a hefty bill, and that's when I became aware of how running can help my moods. There's been so many times in my life where I would get to that dark, dark place and think there's no way out. Nothing could possibly get better, and life isn't worth living. It's not something you can just mentally overcome. Not everyone anyway.

I realize not everything revolves around running. But I know that running has helped me overcome my own dragons along the way. I have taken a handful of different prescriptions along the way but nothing has helped as much as a "runner's high." I've known many friends who have used running as therapy, also. I can't help but wonder if he still ran, if he'd still be here. If he would've been happier and fighting his own dragons would've been easier. But again, it's not my place to figure out. It was his own battle that he backed down from.  And that was his choice to make, and all we can do is mourn.

I don't really know the best way to wrap this up. And I could've said a lot more. But sometimes I guess you just don't have the right things to say and that's ok.

scatter brained

I've done a pretty good job on my last few posts of keeping on one topic and not rambling about everything in an all over post. But this is going to be an all over post.

One of my least favorite things about running is how atrocious my feet are. I mean, seriously. Great Lakes Relay was almost a month ago, and 4 of my toe nails are still black and blue. Well, 3. One of them finally just like, rotted and fell off yesterday. It looks so much better without the nail. I don't even bother wearing sandals anymore. I get a ton of blisters, callouses and dead skin just hanging off of them too. It's pretty rank. I know lots of runners, and I've never seen anyone with as nasty of feet as I have. It's totally embarrassing. I know a guy who got his surgically removed, I should do that. (I shouldn't, but it'd save me a lot of toe shame!)

A few posts back, I wrote about how I always wanted to have a boyfriend I could run with, and 6 months into our relationship, when we finally ran together in June, I hated it and never wanted to again. Only because I have a weird competitive nature, and I don't like a bruised ego, and he's just a better runner than me. Anyway, a month and a half later, after the  bad experience, we tried this whole running together thing again. It was pretty perfect. He's still super quick, and I think what bugs me most is that just a few years ago I was that quick, I'm just not in the shape I wanna be. But he slowed down for me on Saturday, and it was a perfect time. It's kinda special to share an interest I've had for so long with someone I love so much. (side note, I feel really really lame for professing my love all the time, but eh, can't help it.)

I didn't eat any animal products from Oct 27 to June 7, then had some meat on and off til the end of July. During the vegan times, I lost close to 35-40lbs. In the month and a half that I dabbled with the animal products again, I gained almost 10. I've mentioned it in here before I have weight issues, and of course I freaked out. I look fine. I know I do. I'm still small, I even had to downsize to an A cup bra for the first time in a long time. I wish I could always remember that food is fuel. Nothing more, nothing less. I need to stop getting mopey and eating a sleeve of cookies to make myself feel better. Then pouting cause I ate too much. That's not healthy. I'm still trying to find that median 26 years into this life. I have gotten better though, but I will say that my scale battery dying was the best thing that's happened in a while.

Isabel rides her bike with me more than she runs with me, and I have to say, it's kicking my butt. She rides fast. She actually runs pretty fast, too, but she can only go 3 or so miles at a time without pooping out. I took her to run on an old route that I used to push her in her jogging stroller, except she was riding with me. It was super bittersweet. She's growing up too fast. The crim is in less than 2 weeks, I'm excited to see how fast she'll run the 5k in.

I feel like there was more in my head, but I forgot what I wanted to say.

Themes Are For Parks (and I'm a giant party pooper)

I wear my running necklace 24/7 and I have those brag stickers on my car that announce I've done marathons, and I usually wear running clothes if I'm not wearing work clothes. So basically, it's pretty obvious that I'm a runner even if I don't really talk about it to someone. My work decided to sponsor a 5k in September, and to help get participants, HR decided to give 5 free entries to employees. I was super pumped about it til I found out it was one of those Color Runs. I am in no way hating on these or the people who do them for fun. Every picture I've seen of my Facebook friends participating in these show nothing but smiles and everyone looks like they're having a super fun time. But when I see them, I feel this overwhelming sense of anxiety. Like, I can't even imagine it in my hair, my ears, my glasses.. just, no. I even hate when I'm running a regular, non color run, and people are spraying water with hoses at the runners. I feel like I'm being enclosed and trapped and I just can't get out. (I realize I may have some deep seeded issues.) Same thing with the Tough Mudders & Warrior Dashes. If I can't handle a little colored corn starch, I for sure can't handle being soaked in smelly mud from head to toe. Not to mention the obstacles that I would probably fall and die on because I'm blind and blind people don't do well on obstacles. That whole depth perception thing really messes with you when you have to jump over a log or something. I AM the girl who broke her foot on a trail run in 2010, remember? And then there's costume runs. I keep reading these headlines from Runners World about people running full marathons in banana costumes or whatever.. and are these people super human enough that they don't experience chaffing? I get chaffed if my sports bra is too thick, I can't imagine running in a full on costume not designed for running. When did this become so popular? Is it to help promote those who don't run to do so? Because if so, GREAT! That's awesome. But count me out. I'm a giant party pooper and I will probably only ever run regular races, in regular running clothes, with no color, obstacles or costumes.