If I ever go to lunch, it's always to the same place by my work. I always sit at the bar, order my water in a bigger than normal glass, with ice, extra lemons in a shot glass, and a straw with a napkin, and I know everyone there. I order different food, but even then, it's always ordered Erin-style. Don't worry, I tip them well and use my manners. Recently, they compared me to Jack Nicholson's character from "As Good As It Gets." They totally meant it in a joking way, but they also were totally serious. I'm very particular about every single thing in my life. I feel completely terrible if things aren't how my little head planned it out to be. Eating, sleeping, walking, sitting, laying, driving, running... everything I do in my life has a routine that needs to be followed precisely or all Hell breaks loose in my head. Two different doctors, many years apart, have told me that I had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and sometimes it's super obvious, and sometimes I do a super good job and hide it. Or I think I do a super good job, and it's still super obvious.
Running totally helps manage this. I feel a lot calmer and like I have a better control of my life if I run. That's common for runners because of endorphins. But the super annoying part about all of this is when I'm visibly calmer about the rest of life, I get insanely obsessive about running. I have to know the exact miles I ran, down to the hundredth of a mile. I double and triple check with my Garmin, RunBuddy, or mapmyrun, then I hand write it in my log. I've kept hand written logs since 2002 when I entered high school and we were encouraged to do so. I've never really looked back on them, but God forbid any of them ever get thrown away. Yesterday, for the first time in my life, I spent an hour making an Excel sheet so I could log my miles that way. After it was all done, I deleted it. I couldn't possibly do it online that way. That's seriously why I use three different ways to log my miles.. so they're not all in one spot online and I can continue to do it with my pen and paper.There's no in between to my running- I either run every day, consistently, or like, once a week tops, and don't tell anyone about it if I'm on the slacker end because I don't want to be categorized as a slacker. I don't think I know what it's like to be a runner just for fitness. I have to know all the calculations of miles, time I start, which method of logging I'll be using, if it's a fast or slow run, and plan the day's route way ahead of time or it feels wrong and I get anxious. I have all of my race bibs, but when I moved once, I accidentally left behind a box full of bibs from high school and even though that was 7 years ago, I still feel guilty about not having them and wonder if they're still hanging out in the box in the cupboard that I left them in, even though I know they're in the Montrose dump. Last summer, I was able to convince myself that I could wear my hair a different way besides braided pig tails and that I wouldn't spontaneously combust if I went running with a pony tail instead. I can't run without gum. And not just any gum, it has to be Big Red. I have to drive with gum too, though. It's a nerve thing, not a spit thing. During a race my freshman year in high school, I was chewing my gum and bit my cheek so hard that blood blew up my face and up to my eye. The list goes on. I once wrote about my superstitions, but this is different. This is like.. some stupid thing that controls me and if I do it the way my brain tells me I should, then I weirdly feel like I'm controlling the situation. But the situation has always and will always control me, and I weirdly like it and need it in my life.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Parent of a Runner
Everyone who knows me knows I have a superstar runner for an 8 year old. I mean, the kid's best 5k time is 27:53, which totally would've been fast enough to be on Varsity in Clio. I mean, we weren't great, but we were high schoolers, and she was 7 when she ran that. The race with her best time was last October, and she hadn't ran a race since. She has, however, been running and biking with me a lot this summer. She has been getting super duper fast, too. The Crim was a few weeks ago, and she asked to run the 5k like she does every year. She was so excited, and I told her that she was running so fast when we were just running at home, that I had a huge feeling she'd PR. Which pumped her up even more.
The morning of the Crim came. And I had the 10 mile first. (which I ran for fun again... times don't matter!) I haven't ran 10 miles in like 2 years, so I was super stiff after, and still had the 5k with her. It was also super hot by the time her race came around. She was struggling. And there were a few times during her race where I said for her to go ahead so I could stretch my back. I think it confused her and that set her back even more. She ended up finishing with a 30:30. Still NOT bad for an 8 year old, and I was of course super proud! She's 8! We're just running for fun, and I've always made sure to emphasize that to her. But somewhere along the way, she got it into her head, that times matter and she did terrible. She cried. She said she never wanted to run again.
Over the years, I've made it a point, and I think even blogged about it, to not mention weight/eating issues around her. And to tell her that it doesn't matter what your shape is, just be happy and healthy and everything will be fine. I also have told her that times aren't everything and it's ok to run for fun. But I don't think I've done a very good job of showing her. As different as eating/self image issues are from running times, they're kinda the same. I feel extremely guilty that somewhere, sometime, I made too big of a deal about a bad race or run, and she picked up on that. She hasn't ran since then, although she has ridden her bike along side of me a few times. I haven't pressed the issue, but it doesn't stop me from being extremely guilt ridden.
I realize that she may grow up and want to do other things. She has played soccer, T-Ball, and the plan is to be in Karate this fall. But if she decides to do running, I hope she has a happy, healthy relationship with it because if she's anything like me, which she is, that can be super difficult to find a happy medium sometimes.
The morning of the Crim came. And I had the 10 mile first. (which I ran for fun again... times don't matter!) I haven't ran 10 miles in like 2 years, so I was super stiff after, and still had the 5k with her. It was also super hot by the time her race came around. She was struggling. And there were a few times during her race where I said for her to go ahead so I could stretch my back. I think it confused her and that set her back even more. She ended up finishing with a 30:30. Still NOT bad for an 8 year old, and I was of course super proud! She's 8! We're just running for fun, and I've always made sure to emphasize that to her. But somewhere along the way, she got it into her head, that times matter and she did terrible. She cried. She said she never wanted to run again.
Over the years, I've made it a point, and I think even blogged about it, to not mention weight/eating issues around her. And to tell her that it doesn't matter what your shape is, just be happy and healthy and everything will be fine. I also have told her that times aren't everything and it's ok to run for fun. But I don't think I've done a very good job of showing her. As different as eating/self image issues are from running times, they're kinda the same. I feel extremely guilty that somewhere, sometime, I made too big of a deal about a bad race or run, and she picked up on that. She hasn't ran since then, although she has ridden her bike along side of me a few times. I haven't pressed the issue, but it doesn't stop me from being extremely guilt ridden.
I realize that she may grow up and want to do other things. She has played soccer, T-Ball, and the plan is to be in Karate this fall. But if she decides to do running, I hope she has a happy, healthy relationship with it because if she's anything like me, which she is, that can be super difficult to find a happy medium sometimes.
Monday, August 18, 2014
Maybe he's stuck in Jumanji and we just need to roll a 5 or an 8...
Last Monday, when I initially found out that Robin Williams had died, I was super sad. I mean, I've never really been distraught over a celebrity death before, but I mean.. I loved Robin and when I heard that it was from suicide? It made me even sadder. I tried not to read up on it because I get stuck in my own mopey head sometimes, but then this article showed up on my newsfeed:
http://www.runnersworld.com/runners-stories/robin-williams-my-teammate
He was a runner. He wasn't just the Genie, or Alan from Jumanji, or Patch Adams or Peter Pan.. He was someone like me. This post might come off as self centered, but it's not intended that way. It's just me trying to sort my feelings on something that effected me more than I thought it would.
I have seen so many different arguments in so many different blogs. So many people say that it was selfish and he was a coward. And then there's the side of saying he was truly troubled because fill in the blank. And he's at peace now and will never have to suffer. The truth is, it's not anyone's job to decide what his reasoning was, or what was troubling someone so much that they decided to take their own life. It's also not anyone's place to judge whether or not it was selfish, especially if he has no relation to you and isn't a direct part of your life. I also notice it's usually people who have never dealt with some sort of mental illness who have a hard time understanding and lack any sort of empathy to the situation.
My life is different than Robin's. Our situations are not comparable. However. I have struggled my entire life with depression, anxiety, etc. When I was a junior in high school, I really did try to take my own life. I'll spare the details because it doesn't matter at this point, over 10 years later, but I had a couple week hospital stay, my parents got a hefty bill, and that's when I became aware of how running can help my moods. There's been so many times in my life where I would get to that dark, dark place and think there's no way out. Nothing could possibly get better, and life isn't worth living. It's not something you can just mentally overcome. Not everyone anyway.
I realize not everything revolves around running. But I know that running has helped me overcome my own dragons along the way. I have taken a handful of different prescriptions along the way but nothing has helped as much as a "runner's high." I've known many friends who have used running as therapy, also. I can't help but wonder if he still ran, if he'd still be here. If he would've been happier and fighting his own dragons would've been easier. But again, it's not my place to figure out. It was his own battle that he backed down from. And that was his choice to make, and all we can do is mourn.
I don't really know the best way to wrap this up. And I could've said a lot more. But sometimes I guess you just don't have the right things to say and that's ok.
http://www.runnersworld.com/runners-stories/robin-williams-my-teammate
He was a runner. He wasn't just the Genie, or Alan from Jumanji, or Patch Adams or Peter Pan.. He was someone like me. This post might come off as self centered, but it's not intended that way. It's just me trying to sort my feelings on something that effected me more than I thought it would.
I have seen so many different arguments in so many different blogs. So many people say that it was selfish and he was a coward. And then there's the side of saying he was truly troubled because fill in the blank. And he's at peace now and will never have to suffer. The truth is, it's not anyone's job to decide what his reasoning was, or what was troubling someone so much that they decided to take their own life. It's also not anyone's place to judge whether or not it was selfish, especially if he has no relation to you and isn't a direct part of your life. I also notice it's usually people who have never dealt with some sort of mental illness who have a hard time understanding and lack any sort of empathy to the situation.
My life is different than Robin's. Our situations are not comparable. However. I have struggled my entire life with depression, anxiety, etc. When I was a junior in high school, I really did try to take my own life. I'll spare the details because it doesn't matter at this point, over 10 years later, but I had a couple week hospital stay, my parents got a hefty bill, and that's when I became aware of how running can help my moods. There's been so many times in my life where I would get to that dark, dark place and think there's no way out. Nothing could possibly get better, and life isn't worth living. It's not something you can just mentally overcome. Not everyone anyway.
I realize not everything revolves around running. But I know that running has helped me overcome my own dragons along the way. I have taken a handful of different prescriptions along the way but nothing has helped as much as a "runner's high." I've known many friends who have used running as therapy, also. I can't help but wonder if he still ran, if he'd still be here. If he would've been happier and fighting his own dragons would've been easier. But again, it's not my place to figure out. It was his own battle that he backed down from. And that was his choice to make, and all we can do is mourn.
I don't really know the best way to wrap this up. And I could've said a lot more. But sometimes I guess you just don't have the right things to say and that's ok.
Monday, August 11, 2014
scatter brained
I've done a pretty good job on my last few posts of keeping on one topic and not rambling about everything in an all over post. But this is going to be an all over post.
One of my least favorite things about running is how atrocious my feet are. I mean, seriously. Great Lakes Relay was almost a month ago, and 4 of my toe nails are still black and blue. Well, 3. One of them finally just like, rotted and fell off yesterday. It looks so much better without the nail. I don't even bother wearing sandals anymore. I get a ton of blisters, callouses and dead skin just hanging off of them too. It's pretty rank. I know lots of runners, and I've never seen anyone with as nasty of feet as I have. It's totally embarrassing. I know a guy who got his surgically removed, I should do that. (I shouldn't, but it'd save me a lot of toe shame!)
A few posts back, I wrote about how I always wanted to have a boyfriend I could run with, and 6 months into our relationship, when we finally ran together in June, I hated it and never wanted to again. Only because I have a weird competitive nature, and I don't like a bruised ego, and he's just a better runner than me. Anyway, a month and a half later, after the bad experience, we tried this whole running together thing again. It was pretty perfect. He's still super quick, and I think what bugs me most is that just a few years ago I was that quick, I'm just not in the shape I wanna be. But he slowed down for me on Saturday, and it was a perfect time. It's kinda special to share an interest I've had for so long with someone I love so much. (side note, I feel really really lame for professing my love all the time, but eh, can't help it.)
I didn't eat any animal products from Oct 27 to June 7, then had some meat on and off til the end of July. During the vegan times, I lost close to 35-40lbs. In the month and a half that I dabbled with the animal products again, I gained almost 10. I've mentioned it in here before I have weight issues, and of course I freaked out. I look fine. I know I do. I'm still small, I even had to downsize to an A cup bra for the first time in a long time. I wish I could always remember that food is fuel. Nothing more, nothing less. I need to stop getting mopey and eating a sleeve of cookies to make myself feel better. Then pouting cause I ate too much. That's not healthy. I'm still trying to find that median 26 years into this life. I have gotten better though, but I will say that my scale battery dying was the best thing that's happened in a while.
Isabel rides her bike with me more than she runs with me, and I have to say, it's kicking my butt. She rides fast. She actually runs pretty fast, too, but she can only go 3 or so miles at a time without pooping out. I took her to run on an old route that I used to push her in her jogging stroller, except she was riding with me. It was super bittersweet. She's growing up too fast. The crim is in less than 2 weeks, I'm excited to see how fast she'll run the 5k in.
I feel like there was more in my head, but I forgot what I wanted to say.
One of my least favorite things about running is how atrocious my feet are. I mean, seriously. Great Lakes Relay was almost a month ago, and 4 of my toe nails are still black and blue. Well, 3. One of them finally just like, rotted and fell off yesterday. It looks so much better without the nail. I don't even bother wearing sandals anymore. I get a ton of blisters, callouses and dead skin just hanging off of them too. It's pretty rank. I know lots of runners, and I've never seen anyone with as nasty of feet as I have. It's totally embarrassing. I know a guy who got his surgically removed, I should do that. (I shouldn't, but it'd save me a lot of toe shame!)
A few posts back, I wrote about how I always wanted to have a boyfriend I could run with, and 6 months into our relationship, when we finally ran together in June, I hated it and never wanted to again. Only because I have a weird competitive nature, and I don't like a bruised ego, and he's just a better runner than me. Anyway, a month and a half later, after the bad experience, we tried this whole running together thing again. It was pretty perfect. He's still super quick, and I think what bugs me most is that just a few years ago I was that quick, I'm just not in the shape I wanna be. But he slowed down for me on Saturday, and it was a perfect time. It's kinda special to share an interest I've had for so long with someone I love so much. (side note, I feel really really lame for professing my love all the time, but eh, can't help it.)
I didn't eat any animal products from Oct 27 to June 7, then had some meat on and off til the end of July. During the vegan times, I lost close to 35-40lbs. In the month and a half that I dabbled with the animal products again, I gained almost 10. I've mentioned it in here before I have weight issues, and of course I freaked out. I look fine. I know I do. I'm still small, I even had to downsize to an A cup bra for the first time in a long time. I wish I could always remember that food is fuel. Nothing more, nothing less. I need to stop getting mopey and eating a sleeve of cookies to make myself feel better. Then pouting cause I ate too much. That's not healthy. I'm still trying to find that median 26 years into this life. I have gotten better though, but I will say that my scale battery dying was the best thing that's happened in a while.
Isabel rides her bike with me more than she runs with me, and I have to say, it's kicking my butt. She rides fast. She actually runs pretty fast, too, but she can only go 3 or so miles at a time without pooping out. I took her to run on an old route that I used to push her in her jogging stroller, except she was riding with me. It was super bittersweet. She's growing up too fast. The crim is in less than 2 weeks, I'm excited to see how fast she'll run the 5k in.
I feel like there was more in my head, but I forgot what I wanted to say.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Themes Are For Parks (and I'm a giant party pooper)
I wear my running necklace 24/7 and I have those brag stickers on my car that announce I've done marathons, and I usually wear running clothes if I'm not wearing work clothes. So basically, it's pretty obvious that I'm a runner even if I don't really talk about it to someone. My work decided to sponsor a 5k in September, and to help get participants, HR decided to give 5 free entries to employees. I was super pumped about it til I found out it was one of those Color Runs. I am in no way hating on these or the people who do them for fun. Every picture I've seen of my Facebook friends participating in these show nothing but smiles and everyone looks like they're having a super fun time. But when I see them, I feel this overwhelming sense of anxiety. Like, I can't even imagine it in my hair, my ears, my glasses.. just, no. I even hate when I'm running a regular, non color run, and people are spraying water with hoses at the runners. I feel like I'm being enclosed and trapped and I just can't get out. (I realize I may have some deep seeded issues.) Same thing with the Tough Mudders & Warrior Dashes. If I can't handle a little colored corn starch, I for sure can't handle being soaked in smelly mud from head to toe. Not to mention the obstacles that I would probably fall and die on because I'm blind and blind people don't do well on obstacles. That whole depth perception thing really messes with you when you have to jump over a log or something. I AM the girl who broke her foot on a trail run in 2010, remember? And then there's costume runs. I keep reading these headlines from Runners World about people running full marathons in banana costumes or whatever.. and are these people super human enough that they don't experience chaffing? I get chaffed if my sports bra is too thick, I can't imagine running in a full on costume not designed for running. When did this become so popular? Is it to help promote those who don't run to do so? Because if so, GREAT! That's awesome. But count me out. I'm a giant party pooper and I will probably only ever run regular races, in regular running clothes, with no color, obstacles or costumes.
Friday, July 11, 2014
Running & Relationships
I made this blog a few years ago to spit out my running thoughts somewhere where people could go to if they actually wanted to, and not have to worry about them polluting their Facebook news feeds because everyone knows I update WAY too much as it is. Then I kinda fell off track, and didn't post for like a year. And one day, this guy who I had met once in real life posted a link to his own blog, (not running related), and I kept reading it, and it made me miss writing here, even if it's just lame stuff. So then I messaged him and told him thanks for reminding me I had a blog. And the plot twist? He's my handsome boyfriend now! (that's not how we started dating, but that story really happened.)
Speaking of him, he runs. Obviously I was excited, I hadn't really dated someone who ran as much (more) than me outside of high school, and well.. that was a long time ago because I'm old now. I used to have these visions that I'd meet this perfect runner dude who I could run everywhere with and we'd do races and get old and be those weekend warriors who take a million pictures of them in their tight running spandex showing off their old, but super fit, running bodies with a bunch of medals draped over their sweaty necks.
So yea, that's not happening. When I found out how much he ran, (which is less than when I was way annoyingly obsessed with running, but more than I do now), I got weirdly intimidated. Plus, he's mentioned more than once he didn't like running with people and he is a headphone wearer, and I'm a total gabber when I run. (I seriously talk more than anyone I know during runs, it's ridiculous.)
Two or three weeks ago, (about 6 or so months into the relationship- I'm the worst with dates and time frames, so.. estimating here!), we went to Tennessee together. And since we're both runners, and brought our running stuff, why not experience this together?! Right? Oy. The day before I was really sick on the drive from Michigan to Tennessee so I didn't eat anything. And then of course the humidity. AND of course.. he's just way more in shape. I eventually convinced him just to go ahead and leave me to die, and he did. I felt so crappy and totally humbled and the second day I made him run a different way than me. (of course the 2nd day I felt great and ran negative splits and blah.) So my new visions do not include racing together and long, scenic runs when we're old, or even young like Cindy and Tom Kish (they're my couple idol probably, and that sounds weird), It's basically taking shifts with the kids and going for runs by ourselves and me sulking cause he's just naturally faster even if he wears baggy cotton running clothes and listens to podcasts while running. (I'm partly kidding, mostly serious.)
Speaking of him, he runs. Obviously I was excited, I hadn't really dated someone who ran as much (more) than me outside of high school, and well.. that was a long time ago because I'm old now. I used to have these visions that I'd meet this perfect runner dude who I could run everywhere with and we'd do races and get old and be those weekend warriors who take a million pictures of them in their tight running spandex showing off their old, but super fit, running bodies with a bunch of medals draped over their sweaty necks.
So yea, that's not happening. When I found out how much he ran, (which is less than when I was way annoyingly obsessed with running, but more than I do now), I got weirdly intimidated. Plus, he's mentioned more than once he didn't like running with people and he is a headphone wearer, and I'm a total gabber when I run. (I seriously talk more than anyone I know during runs, it's ridiculous.)
Two or three weeks ago, (about 6 or so months into the relationship- I'm the worst with dates and time frames, so.. estimating here!), we went to Tennessee together. And since we're both runners, and brought our running stuff, why not experience this together?! Right? Oy. The day before I was really sick on the drive from Michigan to Tennessee so I didn't eat anything. And then of course the humidity. AND of course.. he's just way more in shape. I eventually convinced him just to go ahead and leave me to die, and he did. I felt so crappy and totally humbled and the second day I made him run a different way than me. (of course the 2nd day I felt great and ran negative splits and blah.) So my new visions do not include racing together and long, scenic runs when we're old, or even young like Cindy and Tom Kish (they're my couple idol probably, and that sounds weird), It's basically taking shifts with the kids and going for runs by ourselves and me sulking cause he's just naturally faster even if he wears baggy cotton running clothes and listens to podcasts while running. (I'm partly kidding, mostly serious.)
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Quitters Never Win
Reading all these blog posts makes me really disappointed in myself. I feel like I jump on board ideas, then give up. And then have a million excuses why I gave up. I mean, they're legitimate excuses- I didn't break 65 minutes in 2011 for the Crim because I got a broken jaw 10 days before, I stopped training for marathons because it's hard to balance single motherhood and running 20 mile training runs, I gained a bunch of weight because I got sick in 2012, I gave up my running streak in 2010 because I had a broken foot, I didn't run the Ann Arbor half in 2014 because I had cervical cancer and had surgery, etc. The list goes on. See? All legit excuses, but I HATE excuses.
About 2 weeks ago, I ate meat for the first time. I felt overwhelmed by life that weekend (excuse), and I've always had a weird relationship with food and eat my feelings. I had a hamburger. It tasted delicious, but I promised myself it was just a fluke, I needed to get it out of my system, and that I'd not do it again. Two days later I had chicken wings. I didn't eat meat again for a week, but I had things with dairy in them. Then after the week passed, I had chicken wings again, 2 days in a row. I felt really guilty at first, but then thought maybe if I just had meat on the weekends, sometimes, I'd be ok. For the hell of it, I decided to count how many days I lasted with a plant based diet- 226 days. Weird coincidence that it was unintentionally the same amount of days as my running streak that got stopped from the broken foot? For sure a weird coincidence, but it definitely made me feel less guilty about stopping for some reason.
Today was the hottest run I've done in a year or so, but I love hot, humid runs. My fingers get super fat and I get super sweaty, but I feel tough. I feel like random things in my life, (financial, friendships, work stuff, etc) are like, spiraling, and I get super overwhelmed and get stress pimples and sore muscles from worrying, and I can't control the pimples, and can only sort of control the other things, that I feel better about myself if I run several miles in the heat. I can control that. I can control my hydration, speed, the clothes I wear, etc. And it makes me feel like a better person.
My running blog makes me sound like a nutball and this entry sounds so depressing. It's not. I'm happy. In general, I'm the happiest I've been, probably ever. I just am in a constant battle with stress management, and running is a huge getaway for that.
About 2 weeks ago, I ate meat for the first time. I felt overwhelmed by life that weekend (excuse), and I've always had a weird relationship with food and eat my feelings. I had a hamburger. It tasted delicious, but I promised myself it was just a fluke, I needed to get it out of my system, and that I'd not do it again. Two days later I had chicken wings. I didn't eat meat again for a week, but I had things with dairy in them. Then after the week passed, I had chicken wings again, 2 days in a row. I felt really guilty at first, but then thought maybe if I just had meat on the weekends, sometimes, I'd be ok. For the hell of it, I decided to count how many days I lasted with a plant based diet- 226 days. Weird coincidence that it was unintentionally the same amount of days as my running streak that got stopped from the broken foot? For sure a weird coincidence, but it definitely made me feel less guilty about stopping for some reason.
Today was the hottest run I've done in a year or so, but I love hot, humid runs. My fingers get super fat and I get super sweaty, but I feel tough. I feel like random things in my life, (financial, friendships, work stuff, etc) are like, spiraling, and I get super overwhelmed and get stress pimples and sore muscles from worrying, and I can't control the pimples, and can only sort of control the other things, that I feel better about myself if I run several miles in the heat. I can control that. I can control my hydration, speed, the clothes I wear, etc. And it makes me feel like a better person.
My running blog makes me sound like a nutball and this entry sounds so depressing. It's not. I'm happy. In general, I'm the happiest I've been, probably ever. I just am in a constant battle with stress management, and running is a huge getaway for that.
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