Winter is kicking my ass. I broke down and ran on the treadmill at work yesterday. I did get to wear shorts since it was inside, and I ran 6 minute miles, so it wasn't all bad. The work treadmill was the most amazing treadmill.. but considering I've only ran on a treadmill a handful of times in my 13 1/2 years of running, and mine (that I keep in storage-such a waste), is a piece of crap, any sort of fancy treadmill is amazing to me. The bad part was, I forgot running shoes and I had to run in socks, so I got blood blisters on most of my toes. I'm a huge barefoot runner in the summer-on all types of surface; I even ran a 5k at the Crim barefoot with Isabel because I forgot my shoes and didn't want her to miss her race!- but it's been a few months, and my tootsies were sensitive. Gross or not, there's something totally euphoric about popping blisters. And I always use an old race pin- totally unsanitary but I'll never stop!
Isabel got to do her first '13-'14 snow run with me over the weekend. She loves it, but that was really the only day I could take her because of the staggering wind chill this past MONTH. Again, winter is kicking my ass. It's not even February! She proudly told me she wanted to do another 5k in the spring (I don't remember if that's her 4th or 5th) and that made me excited! I noticed in the Wayne County activity book they had a kids 5k training program. Isabel doesn't need that, (that sounds like I'm boasting, but I'm totally not right there), but it made me happy that they're encouraging and promoting young running! I truly believe that there are just some people who don't like running and nothing you say or do will change that about them, but I also truly believe that most everyone should participate in some sort of physical activity. And encouraging kids to do so is the best!
Yesterday marked 3 months of eating vegan! I feel great, and don't have a desire to go back. The kids have been pretty willing to try most things.. Mason is more hesitant than Isabel for sure. But she's always been more of an adventurous eater and I just came into Mason's life about a year ago. Last night, Isabel helped me cut the veggies for our salad, and then Mason even asked for seconds on the salad, so we're making progress! I haven't made them stop eating meat, even though as a whole, the household has drastically cut down since I do prepare most meals (and when Ryan does, he makes them vegan!), but they asked if this week they could have a real "cow burger." Even before I stopped eating meat, I only ate turkey burger, so they were so excited when I said yes. I haven't lost any more weight really, but I don't need to. I'm at a small, but healthy weight and I look good. And again, this whole transformation has taught me how to cook, read labels, and find new recipes.
On a sad note, Elite Feet of Lapeer is closing. I don't know a whole lot of details as to when, but I'm really sad even though it's been a year since I've been there. Not really a fan of the running store 2 blocks from my work, but I'll figure something out.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Monday, January 20, 2014
Happy Trails
Saturday morning I woke up so lethargic.The kids were gone, and Ryan was working, so my plan was to lay around in my own grossness and just watch Netflix all day. I got up a few times to get peanut butter or something, but my body was so heavy and I felt terrible. So, I finally muster up the energy to get in the shower, and before I got my hair wet decided that maybe I needed to do a trail run. Those always make me happy, and I was kinda bummin. So I rinsed off, put my Batman running shirt on (to help make the run even more super!) and drove to the Arbor/Ypsi trails Isabel & I frequented in the summer. They were SO snowy, but that made it so much better. It made me happy to see all the footprints and bike marks (seriously, you have to be super tough to ride your bike through a foot of snow covered trail!) because I'm not the only crazy one out there. I did a few loops of the 1.5 mile path, and I felt so much better. I went grocery shopping immediately after, and wasn't extremely anxious like I always am when I go anywhere. I wish Isabel would've been there for it, too, she would've had so much fun!
I like to run with Bonnie on Sundays. Partly because she was my original running partner back in 2002 when I started high school, partly because it gets me out of bed before 9 because we always run early, partly because we usually run through a state or metropark, and partly because we get a solid amount of miles in. Yesterday, we ran 7 at the Kensington Metropark. That place is huge, and I remembered the hard way how insanely hilly it was. I must've been dehydrated or had low blood sugar or maybe both because by the end of this run, I was seeing spots and I was wheezing when I breathed. We don't even run that fast because we talk the whole time and her dog runs with us. I drove home, and I had to have Ryan pull down the toaster for me because I was shaking so bad. That run kicked my butt! I had to take a 20 minute nap after my shower to recharge because I had plans for the remainder of the day and I had a few hours of driving ahead. By the time I got home last night, my head was in a huge fog. Today is a definitely much needed rest day from running!
My favorite part of the run-conversation that we had yesterday was finding out Bonnie was transitioning to vegan eating!I was so excited! I don't really know anyone else who eats like I do besides at home (and I still prepare them some food with animal products because it's not fair for me to take that all away from them if they don't want me to). I feel like everyone looks at me like I'm nuts and one of "those" people, but I sweeear, besides on here, I try not to even talk about it toooo much. But, talking about it makes me accountable for my actions. And besides, there's plenty of other people who take pictures of their food every meal and Instagram the heck out of it. Which, I don't. :)
On that note, I made Black Bean Brownies yesterday! Tasted just like your regular brownies, you couldn't even taste the black beans. The kids didn't even know until they finished their first one, asked for a second and I told them of the secret ingredient. They were surprised, but still loved them. And I told them, that sometimes "weird" ingredients are in things, but they're still delicious, and if you go on in life afraid to try stuff, you'll have bored taste-buds! I googled a lot of the recipes that I've tried so far, some were great, some were bad (we made a different batch of brownies at the very beginning of this vegan lifestyle, and Ryan dubbed them "ass brownies"). If I liked the recipe enough to make it again (chili, pancakes, stuffed peppers, tempeh burgers, chocolate chip walnut cookies etc.), I have put it on a note card and have began a recipe collection. My sister also got me a Betty Crocker inspired vegan cook book for Christmas that we've used a few times.
Here's the recipe for the brownies: (from the book No Meat Athlete by Matt Frazier)
Dry Ingredients
1 1/2c whole wheat flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
2 1/4c raw sugar
1 1/4c cocoa
nuts (the recipe called for hazelnut but I only had a bag of walnuts, and I wish I had more than what I had on hand because that's my fav part of a brownie!)
Wet Ingredients
1 can black beans
1 tsp vanilla
1 c water
Preheat at 350°. Mix all the dry ingredients into a bowl. Take the can of beans, drain them into a strainer and rinse thoroughly. Rinse out the can thoroughly. Put the beans back into the can and fill the remainder of the can with water. Dump into a processor and make into a puree. Add the puree, vanilla & cup of water to the dry mix and stir. Put into a 9x13 ( I used an 8.5x11 because it's all I had and it was fine) greased pan and bake for 25-30. (it took the whole 30 on my end.)
Scrumptious!
I like to run with Bonnie on Sundays. Partly because she was my original running partner back in 2002 when I started high school, partly because it gets me out of bed before 9 because we always run early, partly because we usually run through a state or metropark, and partly because we get a solid amount of miles in. Yesterday, we ran 7 at the Kensington Metropark. That place is huge, and I remembered the hard way how insanely hilly it was. I must've been dehydrated or had low blood sugar or maybe both because by the end of this run, I was seeing spots and I was wheezing when I breathed. We don't even run that fast because we talk the whole time and her dog runs with us. I drove home, and I had to have Ryan pull down the toaster for me because I was shaking so bad. That run kicked my butt! I had to take a 20 minute nap after my shower to recharge because I had plans for the remainder of the day and I had a few hours of driving ahead. By the time I got home last night, my head was in a huge fog. Today is a definitely much needed rest day from running!
My favorite part of the run-conversation that we had yesterday was finding out Bonnie was transitioning to vegan eating!I was so excited! I don't really know anyone else who eats like I do besides at home (and I still prepare them some food with animal products because it's not fair for me to take that all away from them if they don't want me to). I feel like everyone looks at me like I'm nuts and one of "those" people, but I sweeear, besides on here, I try not to even talk about it toooo much. But, talking about it makes me accountable for my actions. And besides, there's plenty of other people who take pictures of their food every meal and Instagram the heck out of it. Which, I don't. :)
On that note, I made Black Bean Brownies yesterday! Tasted just like your regular brownies, you couldn't even taste the black beans. The kids didn't even know until they finished their first one, asked for a second and I told them of the secret ingredient. They were surprised, but still loved them. And I told them, that sometimes "weird" ingredients are in things, but they're still delicious, and if you go on in life afraid to try stuff, you'll have bored taste-buds! I googled a lot of the recipes that I've tried so far, some were great, some were bad (we made a different batch of brownies at the very beginning of this vegan lifestyle, and Ryan dubbed them "ass brownies"). If I liked the recipe enough to make it again (chili, pancakes, stuffed peppers, tempeh burgers, chocolate chip walnut cookies etc.), I have put it on a note card and have began a recipe collection. My sister also got me a Betty Crocker inspired vegan cook book for Christmas that we've used a few times.
Here's the recipe for the brownies: (from the book No Meat Athlete by Matt Frazier)
Dry Ingredients
1 1/2c whole wheat flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
2 1/4c raw sugar
1 1/4c cocoa
nuts (the recipe called for hazelnut but I only had a bag of walnuts, and I wish I had more than what I had on hand because that's my fav part of a brownie!)
Wet Ingredients
1 can black beans
1 tsp vanilla
1 c water
Preheat at 350°. Mix all the dry ingredients into a bowl. Take the can of beans, drain them into a strainer and rinse thoroughly. Rinse out the can thoroughly. Put the beans back into the can and fill the remainder of the can with water. Dump into a processor and make into a puree. Add the puree, vanilla & cup of water to the dry mix and stir. Put into a 9x13 ( I used an 8.5x11 because it's all I had and it was fine) greased pan and bake for 25-30. (it took the whole 30 on my end.)
Scrumptious!
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Running safe & Operation: Ann Arbor 1/2
I love running. I absolutely do. And I'm super pumped to finally be training for something again. "Official" training for the Ann Arbor half has began. I'm getting excited, and I keep talking about it to continue to stay pumped up. Getting up in the morning before work, when it's 13° F with a windchill of -85° (ok, that last part might've been exaggerated a bit), is soooo haaaard when I'm all cozy next to a warm man and a cuddly cat. I've toughed it out though and feel good about it. Today, Ann Arbor was so icy, I had to cut off a chunk of my run because it was slowing me down so much, I was going to be late for work if I didn't wrap it up. I had to walk a handful of times because I was slipping, and my pace was waaay slow. A little disappointed, but I'm gonna go a different route tomorrow. I used to have those yak trak things that went on the bottom of your shoes for grip, but I think I only have a single one? I want it to be less icy because Isabel keeps asking to run, and I miss running with her, but worry-wort mom over here doesn't want her to fall. If all else fails.. I may have to cave and use the treadmill at work. I even own a treadmill, but it's in storage and I think I've used it less than 10 times. I used to think, back in high-school, that I was just clumsy because I would not have my balance on a treadmill, but I read in a book about singular vision that people with one eye have a really hard time on treadmills. SO I didn't make it up! That just reminded me that back when I was 12, and going for my very first Cross Country physical, the doctor told me I should play "an easier activity" because I only had vision in one eye and he refused to write up my clearance! Obviously my mom took me somewhere else, and the rest is history, but I still laugh every time I remember that.What if I listened? I never would've ran.My whole life would be completely different. This doesn't mean I haven't ran into my share of things on my left side because I don't see.. but I'm generally pretty safe to run. haha. (ps it was Dr Aftab for all you Clio natives.)
I think I'm going to treat myself to a new pair of kicks soon. I think I'm the only person I know who has 5 pairs of running shoes, but they're all the same, just different colors. I race in them, I train in them, I do trails in them, city running, and I've done short distances all the way up to a marathon in that exact shoe. Don't mess with a good thing... right?
I really hope we move when our lease is up so we have a bigger yard. I have a dog, Matilda, who is 5 and I've had since she was 8 weeks old, but she is the laziest, least active dog ever. And she's afraid to be outside. I don't know why she's such a pansy. I had another dog, Roxy, for four years who I ran with all the time. I miss that so much. I always had a companion to hit the road with but I didn't have to worry about talking. And I could fart when I run (which seems to happen often, don't judge me) and not be embarrassed. And she was speedy! And, when you're a dog owner, seeing the joy on a dog's face after a run is priceless. We went to the Humane Society on Saturday because I thought I saw Roxy on their website (she is with a family who can take care of her since I moved in June and my yard is a lot smaller, as well as having 2 more people in our house) and I was going to get her back. It wasn't her, though, and then I fell in love with a different dog. (Ryan said no, even though he keeps talking about said dog...)
I keep seeing articles about runners getting killed by cars. It's awful. I know I'm not the all-knower of the world, but my whole life I've been so scared running, that I'm extra cautious. I think the absolute only time I've ever ran with headphones was in 8th grade when I ran around a pond on a bike path in Colorado. Don't trust that drivers see you at stop lights or intersections unless they make eye contact or gesture you! I always run behind a car if they're stopped at a light just to ensure they're not gonna go forward and nick me. Look both ways before you cross a street. Sounds juvenile, but it's the truth. If you have to run at night, STAY VISIBLE. I own two headlamps, an arm flasher, and most running apparel has some sort of reflective strip, and by all means, don't dress in all black.Try to stay on side walks at night, especially in a busy area. RUN TOWARD TRAFFIC. Seriously. It absolutely blows my mind how many times I see runners on the wrong side of the road. Bikes are supposed to be with traffic, walkers/runners-against. You need to see what's coming at you. I realize running kind of puts you in a new world, but you need to be alert, too. If you're going around a sharp corner, that's the only time you should be on the right side, so you're visible to all drivers. If it's snowy, I try to wear bright orange or pink so I don't blend in with the weather. Don't be on your phone!! I shouldn't even have to say this. Running should be about unplugging from the world. I will admit, I do have mine with me sometimes, as a GPS if my watch is dead or won't load, but all the sounds and alerts are off so I don't feel I need to check a text. Seriously, I don't mean to sound like a know it all, but reading about runners dying because they're getting hit by cars kills me.
Stay Safe, dudes!
I think I'm going to treat myself to a new pair of kicks soon. I think I'm the only person I know who has 5 pairs of running shoes, but they're all the same, just different colors. I race in them, I train in them, I do trails in them, city running, and I've done short distances all the way up to a marathon in that exact shoe. Don't mess with a good thing... right?
I really hope we move when our lease is up so we have a bigger yard. I have a dog, Matilda, who is 5 and I've had since she was 8 weeks old, but she is the laziest, least active dog ever. And she's afraid to be outside. I don't know why she's such a pansy. I had another dog, Roxy, for four years who I ran with all the time. I miss that so much. I always had a companion to hit the road with but I didn't have to worry about talking. And I could fart when I run (which seems to happen often, don't judge me) and not be embarrassed. And she was speedy! And, when you're a dog owner, seeing the joy on a dog's face after a run is priceless. We went to the Humane Society on Saturday because I thought I saw Roxy on their website (she is with a family who can take care of her since I moved in June and my yard is a lot smaller, as well as having 2 more people in our house) and I was going to get her back. It wasn't her, though, and then I fell in love with a different dog. (Ryan said no, even though he keeps talking about said dog...)
I keep seeing articles about runners getting killed by cars. It's awful. I know I'm not the all-knower of the world, but my whole life I've been so scared running, that I'm extra cautious. I think the absolute only time I've ever ran with headphones was in 8th grade when I ran around a pond on a bike path in Colorado. Don't trust that drivers see you at stop lights or intersections unless they make eye contact or gesture you! I always run behind a car if they're stopped at a light just to ensure they're not gonna go forward and nick me. Look both ways before you cross a street. Sounds juvenile, but it's the truth. If you have to run at night, STAY VISIBLE. I own two headlamps, an arm flasher, and most running apparel has some sort of reflective strip, and by all means, don't dress in all black.Try to stay on side walks at night, especially in a busy area. RUN TOWARD TRAFFIC. Seriously. It absolutely blows my mind how many times I see runners on the wrong side of the road. Bikes are supposed to be with traffic, walkers/runners-against. You need to see what's coming at you. I realize running kind of puts you in a new world, but you need to be alert, too. If you're going around a sharp corner, that's the only time you should be on the right side, so you're visible to all drivers. If it's snowy, I try to wear bright orange or pink so I don't blend in with the weather. Don't be on your phone!! I shouldn't even have to say this. Running should be about unplugging from the world. I will admit, I do have mine with me sometimes, as a GPS if my watch is dead or won't load, but all the sounds and alerts are off so I don't feel I need to check a text. Seriously, I don't mean to sound like a know it all, but reading about runners dying because they're getting hit by cars kills me.
Stay Safe, dudes!
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
snow storms & feelings
To say we got a little snow is quite and understatement. For 2 days it was a steady inch an hour accumulation pretty much. On top of all of that snow, the windchill was at a cool -45 degrees Fahrenheit. All of the snow-less parts of the road are frozen over, and you can't even breathe without feeling like the wind is taking your breath away. It's brutal. Part of me wants to just run in it because I like doing things against the norm sometimes and I'd feel pretty tough after. You know, there's no endorphin rush quite like running in the snow paired with sub zero temps. Buuuut. My old ass hurt my back shoveling. I'm way too young for this. I've only been out for like, 2 days, and should be good to go probably tomorrow or the next, but ugh. Monday begins the first week of the Ann Arbor 1/2 Marathon training. Shouldn't be toooo bad, it's just a half. And like I said, my back should be good to go. It might even stretch that bad boy out if I run.
The veganism is going awesomely. I began this journey on October 28, 2013. I weighed in at 139.7. The biggest I'd been besides while being pregnant with my daughter in 2005/2006. I have had no meat since that date, and I can't remember the last time I had anything that wasn't NOT vegan, not just vegetarian. I weighed in yesterday, January 7, 2014- just over 2 months later- at 120.3. I feel great. All of my pants fit well again. and I'm happy. My stomach tattoo is the way it should be, and I don't feel bloated. The goal is to get toned though. I don't want to be "skinny" I want to be fit. I'm getting there! And that makes me happy.
So, I mostly talk about running things, but I need to just vent about life. It is, after all, MY blog & the title is Running & Ramblings.. so here's some ramblings I guess. I also don't think anyone reads this, sooo. I'll write whatever I wanna.
I have a lot of good things in my life. And most people do. But the problem is, I've lived a life filled with depression and anxiety. I've heard time and time again that I can just "focus on the good and everything will be better". No. I realize that almost everyone has been through terrible things, but most people know how to move on. I just don't have the tools in my brain to know how. This doesn't mean I don't try to move on, but I just can't. Almost 2 years ago, I went through the most traumatic time in my whole life. It's not a secret what happened. It tore apart my relationship I was in. I loved that guy, and although I'm in a great relationship with a great guy now, the pain is still there, and I have a really hard time talking to my ex because it was so hard for both of us. We're still decent friends, I mean.. I'd trust him with anything quite frankly, but I just can't even talk to him. That doesn't sound like good friends, I know, but it just fucking hurts, man. Not only that, I lost all of my independence when the whole ordeal took place. I was so sick, I couldn't work for over a month, and I had to live with my mom during that time because I couldn't pay for my own electricity. I lost friends. Now, they say they're still my friend, but heh. They were mutual friends of my ex & me, and I think they felt like they needed to break away from one of us, even though he & I still talk. (it's been like 2 weeks since we spoke, but whatevs) My friends had a going away party and we were all there recently. We talked, and hugged, and all that usual stuff.. then I just cried my entire way home. It's not the relationship I can't get over. It's just the things that happened. I lost my ability to have any more children. I have the best daughter ever, and a great step son.. but to be told I have to make that choice- either permanently make the decision to cut off your ability to reproduce (which has caused some of its own issues) or possibly get pregnant and just basically be on the verge of death again. It fucking sucked. During all of this, I had an anxiety attack so bad, that I couldn't even speak and my ex thought I was having an allergic reaction. I don't even remember that whole week. I understand why my friends broke away. I was losing it. But who the hell wouldn't? This has effected the rest of my life. I'm permanently scarred from this. Physically and emotionally. Before this period, I was a depressed & anxious person, but I feel like this spun me out of control. Insane things have happened in my life before all this, and I got through it, but this has left the biggest impact.
I feel like most people don't like me because they don't understand me. On the internet, I come off as this over the top out going individual who has nothing to hide. In person, I'm a socially awkward, shy mess who doesn't know how to communicate. This has caused an uproar with people. People think I'm rude or bitchy or don't care. I just can't honestly handle being around anyone without a legitimate nervous breakdown. I work in an office of about 30 but nobody really speaks with me during the day, my office is in no man's land. And when residents come in, they hand me their check then leave. When I worked retail, I would sometimes hide in various parts of the store to re group myself, then when I got sick, I kinda diminished as a good employee and inevitably severed my relationship with the store. I have a terrible relationship with my mom, I feel like the whole thing is forced and we don't get along no matter what. I feel like people from high school don't like me for stupid teenager things I did back in the day. Get the fuck over it, I'm almost 26 years old.
I don't NEED to be around people or NEED to have a million friends. But I feel like I am completely alone besides my boyfriend and my kids. I know family is most important, and that's great and all. But I feel like I'm losing my sanity and I'd hate to push him away. He's very understanding- as much as one can me who has never experienced depression and anxiety like I have- and he's very comforting towards me. I couldn't ask for better.
Running is my escape, it really truly is. But I'm starting to think it's not enough. Maybe medication. But that intertwines the whole being a nut bag about gaining weight- which I've mentioned time and time on this blog that I'm super paranoid about my weight.I don't know. I don't even know why I wrote all this. I think I just needed to write it somewhere, and knowing that other people don't really read this made me feel a little better about it.
Or maybe a bunch of random people do read it and they'll all think I'm crazier than ever.
Next time will be positive. And running related only. Promise.
The veganism is going awesomely. I began this journey on October 28, 2013. I weighed in at 139.7. The biggest I'd been besides while being pregnant with my daughter in 2005/2006. I have had no meat since that date, and I can't remember the last time I had anything that wasn't NOT vegan, not just vegetarian. I weighed in yesterday, January 7, 2014- just over 2 months later- at 120.3. I feel great. All of my pants fit well again. and I'm happy. My stomach tattoo is the way it should be, and I don't feel bloated. The goal is to get toned though. I don't want to be "skinny" I want to be fit. I'm getting there! And that makes me happy.
So, I mostly talk about running things, but I need to just vent about life. It is, after all, MY blog & the title is Running & Ramblings.. so here's some ramblings I guess. I also don't think anyone reads this, sooo. I'll write whatever I wanna.
I have a lot of good things in my life. And most people do. But the problem is, I've lived a life filled with depression and anxiety. I've heard time and time again that I can just "focus on the good and everything will be better". No. I realize that almost everyone has been through terrible things, but most people know how to move on. I just don't have the tools in my brain to know how. This doesn't mean I don't try to move on, but I just can't. Almost 2 years ago, I went through the most traumatic time in my whole life. It's not a secret what happened. It tore apart my relationship I was in. I loved that guy, and although I'm in a great relationship with a great guy now, the pain is still there, and I have a really hard time talking to my ex because it was so hard for both of us. We're still decent friends, I mean.. I'd trust him with anything quite frankly, but I just can't even talk to him. That doesn't sound like good friends, I know, but it just fucking hurts, man. Not only that, I lost all of my independence when the whole ordeal took place. I was so sick, I couldn't work for over a month, and I had to live with my mom during that time because I couldn't pay for my own electricity. I lost friends. Now, they say they're still my friend, but heh. They were mutual friends of my ex & me, and I think they felt like they needed to break away from one of us, even though he & I still talk. (it's been like 2 weeks since we spoke, but whatevs) My friends had a going away party and we were all there recently. We talked, and hugged, and all that usual stuff.. then I just cried my entire way home. It's not the relationship I can't get over. It's just the things that happened. I lost my ability to have any more children. I have the best daughter ever, and a great step son.. but to be told I have to make that choice- either permanently make the decision to cut off your ability to reproduce (which has caused some of its own issues) or possibly get pregnant and just basically be on the verge of death again. It fucking sucked. During all of this, I had an anxiety attack so bad, that I couldn't even speak and my ex thought I was having an allergic reaction. I don't even remember that whole week. I understand why my friends broke away. I was losing it. But who the hell wouldn't? This has effected the rest of my life. I'm permanently scarred from this. Physically and emotionally. Before this period, I was a depressed & anxious person, but I feel like this spun me out of control. Insane things have happened in my life before all this, and I got through it, but this has left the biggest impact.
I feel like most people don't like me because they don't understand me. On the internet, I come off as this over the top out going individual who has nothing to hide. In person, I'm a socially awkward, shy mess who doesn't know how to communicate. This has caused an uproar with people. People think I'm rude or bitchy or don't care. I just can't honestly handle being around anyone without a legitimate nervous breakdown. I work in an office of about 30 but nobody really speaks with me during the day, my office is in no man's land. And when residents come in, they hand me their check then leave. When I worked retail, I would sometimes hide in various parts of the store to re group myself, then when I got sick, I kinda diminished as a good employee and inevitably severed my relationship with the store. I have a terrible relationship with my mom, I feel like the whole thing is forced and we don't get along no matter what. I feel like people from high school don't like me for stupid teenager things I did back in the day. Get the fuck over it, I'm almost 26 years old.
I don't NEED to be around people or NEED to have a million friends. But I feel like I am completely alone besides my boyfriend and my kids. I know family is most important, and that's great and all. But I feel like I'm losing my sanity and I'd hate to push him away. He's very understanding- as much as one can me who has never experienced depression and anxiety like I have- and he's very comforting towards me. I couldn't ask for better.
Running is my escape, it really truly is. But I'm starting to think it's not enough. Maybe medication. But that intertwines the whole being a nut bag about gaining weight- which I've mentioned time and time on this blog that I'm super paranoid about my weight.I don't know. I don't even know why I wrote all this. I think I just needed to write it somewhere, and knowing that other people don't really read this made me feel a little better about it.
Or maybe a bunch of random people do read it and they'll all think I'm crazier than ever.
Next time will be positive. And running related only. Promise.
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