Everyone who knows me knows I have a superstar runner for an 8 year old. I mean, the kid's best 5k time is 27:53, which totally would've been fast enough to be on Varsity in Clio. I mean, we weren't great, but we were high schoolers, and she was 7 when she ran that. The race with her best time was last October, and she hadn't ran a race since. She has, however, been running and biking with me a lot this summer. She has been getting super duper fast, too. The Crim was a few weeks ago, and she asked to run the 5k like she does every year. She was so excited, and I told her that she was running so fast when we were just running at home, that I had a huge feeling she'd PR. Which pumped her up even more.
The morning of the Crim came. And I had the 10 mile first. (which I ran for fun again... times don't matter!) I haven't ran 10 miles in like 2 years, so I was super stiff after, and still had the 5k with her. It was also super hot by the time her race came around. She was struggling. And there were a few times during her race where I said for her to go ahead so I could stretch my back. I think it confused her and that set her back even more. She ended up finishing with a 30:30. Still NOT bad for an 8 year old, and I was of course super proud! She's 8! We're just running for fun, and I've always made sure to emphasize that to her. But somewhere along the way, she got it into her head, that times matter and she did terrible. She cried. She said she never wanted to run again.
Over the years, I've made it a point, and I think even blogged about it, to not mention weight/eating issues around her. And to tell her that it doesn't matter what your shape is, just be happy and healthy and everything will be fine. I also have told her that times aren't everything and it's ok to run for fun. But I don't think I've done a very good job of showing her. As different as eating/self image issues are from running times, they're kinda the same. I feel extremely guilty that somewhere, sometime, I made too big of a deal about a bad race or run, and she picked up on that. She hasn't ran since then, although she has ridden her bike along side of me a few times. I haven't pressed the issue, but it doesn't stop me from being extremely guilt ridden.
I realize that she may grow up and want to do other things. She has played soccer, T-Ball, and the plan is to be in Karate this fall. But if she decides to do running, I hope she has a happy, healthy relationship with it because if she's anything like me, which she is, that can be super difficult to find a happy medium sometimes.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Monday, August 18, 2014
Maybe he's stuck in Jumanji and we just need to roll a 5 or an 8...
Last Monday, when I initially found out that Robin Williams had died, I was super sad. I mean, I've never really been distraught over a celebrity death before, but I mean.. I loved Robin and when I heard that it was from suicide? It made me even sadder. I tried not to read up on it because I get stuck in my own mopey head sometimes, but then this article showed up on my newsfeed:
http://www.runnersworld.com/runners-stories/robin-williams-my-teammate
He was a runner. He wasn't just the Genie, or Alan from Jumanji, or Patch Adams or Peter Pan.. He was someone like me. This post might come off as self centered, but it's not intended that way. It's just me trying to sort my feelings on something that effected me more than I thought it would.
I have seen so many different arguments in so many different blogs. So many people say that it was selfish and he was a coward. And then there's the side of saying he was truly troubled because fill in the blank. And he's at peace now and will never have to suffer. The truth is, it's not anyone's job to decide what his reasoning was, or what was troubling someone so much that they decided to take their own life. It's also not anyone's place to judge whether or not it was selfish, especially if he has no relation to you and isn't a direct part of your life. I also notice it's usually people who have never dealt with some sort of mental illness who have a hard time understanding and lack any sort of empathy to the situation.
My life is different than Robin's. Our situations are not comparable. However. I have struggled my entire life with depression, anxiety, etc. When I was a junior in high school, I really did try to take my own life. I'll spare the details because it doesn't matter at this point, over 10 years later, but I had a couple week hospital stay, my parents got a hefty bill, and that's when I became aware of how running can help my moods. There's been so many times in my life where I would get to that dark, dark place and think there's no way out. Nothing could possibly get better, and life isn't worth living. It's not something you can just mentally overcome. Not everyone anyway.
I realize not everything revolves around running. But I know that running has helped me overcome my own dragons along the way. I have taken a handful of different prescriptions along the way but nothing has helped as much as a "runner's high." I've known many friends who have used running as therapy, also. I can't help but wonder if he still ran, if he'd still be here. If he would've been happier and fighting his own dragons would've been easier. But again, it's not my place to figure out. It was his own battle that he backed down from. And that was his choice to make, and all we can do is mourn.
I don't really know the best way to wrap this up. And I could've said a lot more. But sometimes I guess you just don't have the right things to say and that's ok.
http://www.runnersworld.com/runners-stories/robin-williams-my-teammate
He was a runner. He wasn't just the Genie, or Alan from Jumanji, or Patch Adams or Peter Pan.. He was someone like me. This post might come off as self centered, but it's not intended that way. It's just me trying to sort my feelings on something that effected me more than I thought it would.
I have seen so many different arguments in so many different blogs. So many people say that it was selfish and he was a coward. And then there's the side of saying he was truly troubled because fill in the blank. And he's at peace now and will never have to suffer. The truth is, it's not anyone's job to decide what his reasoning was, or what was troubling someone so much that they decided to take their own life. It's also not anyone's place to judge whether or not it was selfish, especially if he has no relation to you and isn't a direct part of your life. I also notice it's usually people who have never dealt with some sort of mental illness who have a hard time understanding and lack any sort of empathy to the situation.
My life is different than Robin's. Our situations are not comparable. However. I have struggled my entire life with depression, anxiety, etc. When I was a junior in high school, I really did try to take my own life. I'll spare the details because it doesn't matter at this point, over 10 years later, but I had a couple week hospital stay, my parents got a hefty bill, and that's when I became aware of how running can help my moods. There's been so many times in my life where I would get to that dark, dark place and think there's no way out. Nothing could possibly get better, and life isn't worth living. It's not something you can just mentally overcome. Not everyone anyway.
I realize not everything revolves around running. But I know that running has helped me overcome my own dragons along the way. I have taken a handful of different prescriptions along the way but nothing has helped as much as a "runner's high." I've known many friends who have used running as therapy, also. I can't help but wonder if he still ran, if he'd still be here. If he would've been happier and fighting his own dragons would've been easier. But again, it's not my place to figure out. It was his own battle that he backed down from. And that was his choice to make, and all we can do is mourn.
I don't really know the best way to wrap this up. And I could've said a lot more. But sometimes I guess you just don't have the right things to say and that's ok.
Monday, August 11, 2014
scatter brained
I've done a pretty good job on my last few posts of keeping on one topic and not rambling about everything in an all over post. But this is going to be an all over post.
One of my least favorite things about running is how atrocious my feet are. I mean, seriously. Great Lakes Relay was almost a month ago, and 4 of my toe nails are still black and blue. Well, 3. One of them finally just like, rotted and fell off yesterday. It looks so much better without the nail. I don't even bother wearing sandals anymore. I get a ton of blisters, callouses and dead skin just hanging off of them too. It's pretty rank. I know lots of runners, and I've never seen anyone with as nasty of feet as I have. It's totally embarrassing. I know a guy who got his surgically removed, I should do that. (I shouldn't, but it'd save me a lot of toe shame!)
A few posts back, I wrote about how I always wanted to have a boyfriend I could run with, and 6 months into our relationship, when we finally ran together in June, I hated it and never wanted to again. Only because I have a weird competitive nature, and I don't like a bruised ego, and he's just a better runner than me. Anyway, a month and a half later, after the bad experience, we tried this whole running together thing again. It was pretty perfect. He's still super quick, and I think what bugs me most is that just a few years ago I was that quick, I'm just not in the shape I wanna be. But he slowed down for me on Saturday, and it was a perfect time. It's kinda special to share an interest I've had for so long with someone I love so much. (side note, I feel really really lame for professing my love all the time, but eh, can't help it.)
I didn't eat any animal products from Oct 27 to June 7, then had some meat on and off til the end of July. During the vegan times, I lost close to 35-40lbs. In the month and a half that I dabbled with the animal products again, I gained almost 10. I've mentioned it in here before I have weight issues, and of course I freaked out. I look fine. I know I do. I'm still small, I even had to downsize to an A cup bra for the first time in a long time. I wish I could always remember that food is fuel. Nothing more, nothing less. I need to stop getting mopey and eating a sleeve of cookies to make myself feel better. Then pouting cause I ate too much. That's not healthy. I'm still trying to find that median 26 years into this life. I have gotten better though, but I will say that my scale battery dying was the best thing that's happened in a while.
Isabel rides her bike with me more than she runs with me, and I have to say, it's kicking my butt. She rides fast. She actually runs pretty fast, too, but she can only go 3 or so miles at a time without pooping out. I took her to run on an old route that I used to push her in her jogging stroller, except she was riding with me. It was super bittersweet. She's growing up too fast. The crim is in less than 2 weeks, I'm excited to see how fast she'll run the 5k in.
I feel like there was more in my head, but I forgot what I wanted to say.
One of my least favorite things about running is how atrocious my feet are. I mean, seriously. Great Lakes Relay was almost a month ago, and 4 of my toe nails are still black and blue. Well, 3. One of them finally just like, rotted and fell off yesterday. It looks so much better without the nail. I don't even bother wearing sandals anymore. I get a ton of blisters, callouses and dead skin just hanging off of them too. It's pretty rank. I know lots of runners, and I've never seen anyone with as nasty of feet as I have. It's totally embarrassing. I know a guy who got his surgically removed, I should do that. (I shouldn't, but it'd save me a lot of toe shame!)
A few posts back, I wrote about how I always wanted to have a boyfriend I could run with, and 6 months into our relationship, when we finally ran together in June, I hated it and never wanted to again. Only because I have a weird competitive nature, and I don't like a bruised ego, and he's just a better runner than me. Anyway, a month and a half later, after the bad experience, we tried this whole running together thing again. It was pretty perfect. He's still super quick, and I think what bugs me most is that just a few years ago I was that quick, I'm just not in the shape I wanna be. But he slowed down for me on Saturday, and it was a perfect time. It's kinda special to share an interest I've had for so long with someone I love so much. (side note, I feel really really lame for professing my love all the time, but eh, can't help it.)
I didn't eat any animal products from Oct 27 to June 7, then had some meat on and off til the end of July. During the vegan times, I lost close to 35-40lbs. In the month and a half that I dabbled with the animal products again, I gained almost 10. I've mentioned it in here before I have weight issues, and of course I freaked out. I look fine. I know I do. I'm still small, I even had to downsize to an A cup bra for the first time in a long time. I wish I could always remember that food is fuel. Nothing more, nothing less. I need to stop getting mopey and eating a sleeve of cookies to make myself feel better. Then pouting cause I ate too much. That's not healthy. I'm still trying to find that median 26 years into this life. I have gotten better though, but I will say that my scale battery dying was the best thing that's happened in a while.
Isabel rides her bike with me more than she runs with me, and I have to say, it's kicking my butt. She rides fast. She actually runs pretty fast, too, but she can only go 3 or so miles at a time without pooping out. I took her to run on an old route that I used to push her in her jogging stroller, except she was riding with me. It was super bittersweet. She's growing up too fast. The crim is in less than 2 weeks, I'm excited to see how fast she'll run the 5k in.
I feel like there was more in my head, but I forgot what I wanted to say.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Themes Are For Parks (and I'm a giant party pooper)
I wear my running necklace 24/7 and I have those brag stickers on my car that announce I've done marathons, and I usually wear running clothes if I'm not wearing work clothes. So basically, it's pretty obvious that I'm a runner even if I don't really talk about it to someone. My work decided to sponsor a 5k in September, and to help get participants, HR decided to give 5 free entries to employees. I was super pumped about it til I found out it was one of those Color Runs. I am in no way hating on these or the people who do them for fun. Every picture I've seen of my Facebook friends participating in these show nothing but smiles and everyone looks like they're having a super fun time. But when I see them, I feel this overwhelming sense of anxiety. Like, I can't even imagine it in my hair, my ears, my glasses.. just, no. I even hate when I'm running a regular, non color run, and people are spraying water with hoses at the runners. I feel like I'm being enclosed and trapped and I just can't get out. (I realize I may have some deep seeded issues.) Same thing with the Tough Mudders & Warrior Dashes. If I can't handle a little colored corn starch, I for sure can't handle being soaked in smelly mud from head to toe. Not to mention the obstacles that I would probably fall and die on because I'm blind and blind people don't do well on obstacles. That whole depth perception thing really messes with you when you have to jump over a log or something. I AM the girl who broke her foot on a trail run in 2010, remember? And then there's costume runs. I keep reading these headlines from Runners World about people running full marathons in banana costumes or whatever.. and are these people super human enough that they don't experience chaffing? I get chaffed if my sports bra is too thick, I can't imagine running in a full on costume not designed for running. When did this become so popular? Is it to help promote those who don't run to do so? Because if so, GREAT! That's awesome. But count me out. I'm a giant party pooper and I will probably only ever run regular races, in regular running clothes, with no color, obstacles or costumes.
Friday, July 11, 2014
Running & Relationships
I made this blog a few years ago to spit out my running thoughts somewhere where people could go to if they actually wanted to, and not have to worry about them polluting their Facebook news feeds because everyone knows I update WAY too much as it is. Then I kinda fell off track, and didn't post for like a year. And one day, this guy who I had met once in real life posted a link to his own blog, (not running related), and I kept reading it, and it made me miss writing here, even if it's just lame stuff. So then I messaged him and told him thanks for reminding me I had a blog. And the plot twist? He's my handsome boyfriend now! (that's not how we started dating, but that story really happened.)
Speaking of him, he runs. Obviously I was excited, I hadn't really dated someone who ran as much (more) than me outside of high school, and well.. that was a long time ago because I'm old now. I used to have these visions that I'd meet this perfect runner dude who I could run everywhere with and we'd do races and get old and be those weekend warriors who take a million pictures of them in their tight running spandex showing off their old, but super fit, running bodies with a bunch of medals draped over their sweaty necks.
So yea, that's not happening. When I found out how much he ran, (which is less than when I was way annoyingly obsessed with running, but more than I do now), I got weirdly intimidated. Plus, he's mentioned more than once he didn't like running with people and he is a headphone wearer, and I'm a total gabber when I run. (I seriously talk more than anyone I know during runs, it's ridiculous.)
Two or three weeks ago, (about 6 or so months into the relationship- I'm the worst with dates and time frames, so.. estimating here!), we went to Tennessee together. And since we're both runners, and brought our running stuff, why not experience this together?! Right? Oy. The day before I was really sick on the drive from Michigan to Tennessee so I didn't eat anything. And then of course the humidity. AND of course.. he's just way more in shape. I eventually convinced him just to go ahead and leave me to die, and he did. I felt so crappy and totally humbled and the second day I made him run a different way than me. (of course the 2nd day I felt great and ran negative splits and blah.) So my new visions do not include racing together and long, scenic runs when we're old, or even young like Cindy and Tom Kish (they're my couple idol probably, and that sounds weird), It's basically taking shifts with the kids and going for runs by ourselves and me sulking cause he's just naturally faster even if he wears baggy cotton running clothes and listens to podcasts while running. (I'm partly kidding, mostly serious.)
Speaking of him, he runs. Obviously I was excited, I hadn't really dated someone who ran as much (more) than me outside of high school, and well.. that was a long time ago because I'm old now. I used to have these visions that I'd meet this perfect runner dude who I could run everywhere with and we'd do races and get old and be those weekend warriors who take a million pictures of them in their tight running spandex showing off their old, but super fit, running bodies with a bunch of medals draped over their sweaty necks.
So yea, that's not happening. When I found out how much he ran, (which is less than when I was way annoyingly obsessed with running, but more than I do now), I got weirdly intimidated. Plus, he's mentioned more than once he didn't like running with people and he is a headphone wearer, and I'm a total gabber when I run. (I seriously talk more than anyone I know during runs, it's ridiculous.)
Two or three weeks ago, (about 6 or so months into the relationship- I'm the worst with dates and time frames, so.. estimating here!), we went to Tennessee together. And since we're both runners, and brought our running stuff, why not experience this together?! Right? Oy. The day before I was really sick on the drive from Michigan to Tennessee so I didn't eat anything. And then of course the humidity. AND of course.. he's just way more in shape. I eventually convinced him just to go ahead and leave me to die, and he did. I felt so crappy and totally humbled and the second day I made him run a different way than me. (of course the 2nd day I felt great and ran negative splits and blah.) So my new visions do not include racing together and long, scenic runs when we're old, or even young like Cindy and Tom Kish (they're my couple idol probably, and that sounds weird), It's basically taking shifts with the kids and going for runs by ourselves and me sulking cause he's just naturally faster even if he wears baggy cotton running clothes and listens to podcasts while running. (I'm partly kidding, mostly serious.)
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Quitters Never Win
Reading all these blog posts makes me really disappointed in myself. I feel like I jump on board ideas, then give up. And then have a million excuses why I gave up. I mean, they're legitimate excuses- I didn't break 65 minutes in 2011 for the Crim because I got a broken jaw 10 days before, I stopped training for marathons because it's hard to balance single motherhood and running 20 mile training runs, I gained a bunch of weight because I got sick in 2012, I gave up my running streak in 2010 because I had a broken foot, I didn't run the Ann Arbor half in 2014 because I had cervical cancer and had surgery, etc. The list goes on. See? All legit excuses, but I HATE excuses.
About 2 weeks ago, I ate meat for the first time. I felt overwhelmed by life that weekend (excuse), and I've always had a weird relationship with food and eat my feelings. I had a hamburger. It tasted delicious, but I promised myself it was just a fluke, I needed to get it out of my system, and that I'd not do it again. Two days later I had chicken wings. I didn't eat meat again for a week, but I had things with dairy in them. Then after the week passed, I had chicken wings again, 2 days in a row. I felt really guilty at first, but then thought maybe if I just had meat on the weekends, sometimes, I'd be ok. For the hell of it, I decided to count how many days I lasted with a plant based diet- 226 days. Weird coincidence that it was unintentionally the same amount of days as my running streak that got stopped from the broken foot? For sure a weird coincidence, but it definitely made me feel less guilty about stopping for some reason.
Today was the hottest run I've done in a year or so, but I love hot, humid runs. My fingers get super fat and I get super sweaty, but I feel tough. I feel like random things in my life, (financial, friendships, work stuff, etc) are like, spiraling, and I get super overwhelmed and get stress pimples and sore muscles from worrying, and I can't control the pimples, and can only sort of control the other things, that I feel better about myself if I run several miles in the heat. I can control that. I can control my hydration, speed, the clothes I wear, etc. And it makes me feel like a better person.
My running blog makes me sound like a nutball and this entry sounds so depressing. It's not. I'm happy. In general, I'm the happiest I've been, probably ever. I just am in a constant battle with stress management, and running is a huge getaway for that.
About 2 weeks ago, I ate meat for the first time. I felt overwhelmed by life that weekend (excuse), and I've always had a weird relationship with food and eat my feelings. I had a hamburger. It tasted delicious, but I promised myself it was just a fluke, I needed to get it out of my system, and that I'd not do it again. Two days later I had chicken wings. I didn't eat meat again for a week, but I had things with dairy in them. Then after the week passed, I had chicken wings again, 2 days in a row. I felt really guilty at first, but then thought maybe if I just had meat on the weekends, sometimes, I'd be ok. For the hell of it, I decided to count how many days I lasted with a plant based diet- 226 days. Weird coincidence that it was unintentionally the same amount of days as my running streak that got stopped from the broken foot? For sure a weird coincidence, but it definitely made me feel less guilty about stopping for some reason.
Today was the hottest run I've done in a year or so, but I love hot, humid runs. My fingers get super fat and I get super sweaty, but I feel tough. I feel like random things in my life, (financial, friendships, work stuff, etc) are like, spiraling, and I get super overwhelmed and get stress pimples and sore muscles from worrying, and I can't control the pimples, and can only sort of control the other things, that I feel better about myself if I run several miles in the heat. I can control that. I can control my hydration, speed, the clothes I wear, etc. And it makes me feel like a better person.
My running blog makes me sound like a nutball and this entry sounds so depressing. It's not. I'm happy. In general, I'm the happiest I've been, probably ever. I just am in a constant battle with stress management, and running is a huge getaway for that.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Real Running
In the words of John "the Penguin" Bingham, "If you run, you are a runner. It doesn't matter how fast or how far. It
doesn't matter if today is your first day or if you've been running for
twenty years. There is no test to pass, no license to earn, no
membership card to get. You just run."
I'm actually a huge fan of Mr. Bigham. After having Isabel, I was so lost at how to start running again, and I really wanted to run a marathon. He, along with Jenny Hadfield (coach Jenny, who does a blog for RW), wrote the book Marathoning For Mortals, and that book really did help encourage me to realize that I didn't have to be super duper fast to complete a marathon, I just had to have heart and dedication. That first marathon was significantly slower than my best marathon, but it was so much fun, and a huge high light in my life. And all those miles helped me become a faster, better runner later on.
I know you don't have to run a ton of miles to be a "real" runner. And I know you don't have to be quick. But I feel weird claiming myself as a 'real runner' when I'm not running like I like to run. Doing a 2-3 mile run 2x a week just to feel good, isn't *my* real running. In the last few months, though, I've gotten back to "real" running, and I'm feeling pretty great. My legs feel lean again, I have my self proclaimed runner butt almost back, and I'm feeling pretty speedy. Definitely not where I would love to be, but hey, it's early! And I'm working hard. I haven't really worked hard since 2011ish.
The three main reasons I run are for fitness- my body feels so much better when I run, competition- either with myself or others... I have always had a huge competitive drive, sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes, not so much, and the third main reason: mental clarity. For more than half my life I've struggled with Obsessive Compulsive Anxiety and have tried many different medications, exercising things, and other stuff.. running is the best prescription. Since I've moved to Fenton back in February, I've let my ocd/anxiety guard down. My last house I lived in, was absolutely spotless. I freaked out if anyone put anything somewhere it didn't belong, and I'd stay up super late disinfecting everything and organizing. Isabel told me this morning she was glad I wasn't so "grumpy" about the house like I was in the last one. I don't know if running more lately has helped lessen that or what.. but I'm like.. completely unorganized.
Part of my organization issues bled into running. I have logged every.single.mile since 2002. I have SO many date books filled with miles, routes, times, how I felt during said run, etc. Before my Garmin, I'd log onto mapmyrun.com and meticulously map out a perfect run. Like.. not .1 over or under. Always had to be exact. If I ran with running club, and I didn't have my Garmin, I'd feel super annoyed if I didn't know the exact amount of miles and I'd stress for a week. I don't even know why, I've never done anything with this information except when I was running every single day. And even then, I just figured out my average per day.
Now that I moved, I run with my watch sometimes, sometimes with my phone app.. and I don't have a log. That kiiiinda stresses me out. But at the same time.. it's a breath of fresh air. Part of me feels like I'm standing at this edge of a cliff- an unorganized house/running life cliff and one more unorganized thing thrown in the bunch is just gonna throw me into a black hole. Yesterday I didn't even run with a watch! Maybe if I clean my car and sweep the house, the overwhelming sense of needing to log my every mile ran will subside a little. (maybe that doesn't make sense, but it totally does to me.) But I gotta say.. I've come a long way with needing to feel like I'm controlling every little detail of my life.
I'm actually a huge fan of Mr. Bigham. After having Isabel, I was so lost at how to start running again, and I really wanted to run a marathon. He, along with Jenny Hadfield (coach Jenny, who does a blog for RW), wrote the book Marathoning For Mortals, and that book really did help encourage me to realize that I didn't have to be super duper fast to complete a marathon, I just had to have heart and dedication. That first marathon was significantly slower than my best marathon, but it was so much fun, and a huge high light in my life. And all those miles helped me become a faster, better runner later on.
I know you don't have to run a ton of miles to be a "real" runner. And I know you don't have to be quick. But I feel weird claiming myself as a 'real runner' when I'm not running like I like to run. Doing a 2-3 mile run 2x a week just to feel good, isn't *my* real running. In the last few months, though, I've gotten back to "real" running, and I'm feeling pretty great. My legs feel lean again, I have my self proclaimed runner butt almost back, and I'm feeling pretty speedy. Definitely not where I would love to be, but hey, it's early! And I'm working hard. I haven't really worked hard since 2011ish.
The three main reasons I run are for fitness- my body feels so much better when I run, competition- either with myself or others... I have always had a huge competitive drive, sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes, not so much, and the third main reason: mental clarity. For more than half my life I've struggled with Obsessive Compulsive Anxiety and have tried many different medications, exercising things, and other stuff.. running is the best prescription. Since I've moved to Fenton back in February, I've let my ocd/anxiety guard down. My last house I lived in, was absolutely spotless. I freaked out if anyone put anything somewhere it didn't belong, and I'd stay up super late disinfecting everything and organizing. Isabel told me this morning she was glad I wasn't so "grumpy" about the house like I was in the last one. I don't know if running more lately has helped lessen that or what.. but I'm like.. completely unorganized.
Part of my organization issues bled into running. I have logged every.single.mile since 2002. I have SO many date books filled with miles, routes, times, how I felt during said run, etc. Before my Garmin, I'd log onto mapmyrun.com and meticulously map out a perfect run. Like.. not .1 over or under. Always had to be exact. If I ran with running club, and I didn't have my Garmin, I'd feel super annoyed if I didn't know the exact amount of miles and I'd stress for a week. I don't even know why, I've never done anything with this information except when I was running every single day. And even then, I just figured out my average per day.
Now that I moved, I run with my watch sometimes, sometimes with my phone app.. and I don't have a log. That kiiiinda stresses me out. But at the same time.. it's a breath of fresh air. Part of me feels like I'm standing at this edge of a cliff- an unorganized house/running life cliff and one more unorganized thing thrown in the bunch is just gonna throw me into a black hole. Yesterday I didn't even run with a watch! Maybe if I clean my car and sweep the house, the overwhelming sense of needing to log my every mile ran will subside a little. (maybe that doesn't make sense, but it totally does to me.) But I gotta say.. I've come a long way with needing to feel like I'm controlling every little detail of my life.
Monday, May 19, 2014
I can't think of a clever title.
I feel like there's so much random running stuff on my mind, and nobody to be a nerd about it with, so that's why I made this blog a few years ago.
Lately there's been this huge lawsuit on the Vibram Fivefinger shoes. Someone claimed they didn't provide a stronger foot muscle and basically destroyed their running instead of making them better. The whole thing kind of irritated me because any thing I've ever read about minimalist/barefoot running, it has ALWAYS been stated you need to start slowly and cautiously, and ease your way into training that way. It's also not said to make you a better runner, it's been argued and scientifically proven that if you run barefoot- the way you're born- you improve your stride and posture, which could in turn improve your time/speed/overall performance. Most people who know me, whether they're runners or not, know that I'm a huge fan of minimalist running and I run barefoot a lot. I can run on any surface that way, and I used to wear the Fivefinger shoes. I kicked a log during a race while wearing those shoes, and my foot broke, having nothing to do with the shoes, but I stopped wearing them because I'm annoyingly superstitious when it comes to running and just saw them as bad luck. ha. (I'm not like that with anything else in my life, and I realize how dumb it is.) When New Balance & Vibram combined and made the NB minimus, I jumped on board and have like 5 pairs of those and just rotate them.
Most of what I want to say about the Vibram lawsuit, is perfectly stated in a blog written by the self proclaimed "Barefoot Runner". (I just searched for the link and now can't find it. But here's his facebook https://www.facebook.com/barefootrunners?fref=ts for reference purposes). Everyone seems to have a magic shoe that's gonna make them faster or better or injury free. It's not something you're going to safely transition to over night, (I will admit, my first fivefinger run was a 5 miler. Probably not smart.) I've been injury free since, and I have had nothing but good results. Running barefoot/minimalist for many years has helped me improve and be faster and lighter, and honestly.. I love the feeling of the grass in my toes, or the pavement stinging my soles. I'll do it forever, and Isabel is even a fan sometimes. Some of my favorite memories are barefoot track running with her & having black feet at the end. It's freeing. It's good for the soul.
Of course it's not for everyone, but this isn't everyone's blog. :)
Isabel hasn't been doing a lot of running this year, but she's been active in soccer and she's been riding her bike with me a lot. She rode almost 5 miles with me last week and she's doing super great. She's a little too big for her bike, but her birthday is just over a month away, and that's her gift- complete with a basket. She'll be excited! She asked to do a 5k again this year, so I'll have to find her one. The Fenton one fell on the same day as a a soccer game, and the Crim won't work out since they put it too close to the 10mile. and I'm not able to do both. Speaking of the Crim, my mom is doing it ths year. I'm pretty proud of her, she's dong a 10k next week. I asked my dad if he was coming out to Michigan like he has the last few years, and he said probably not.. but hopefully that changes!
GLR is 2 months away! One of my favorite weekends during the year. There's something charming about constant sand in your hair, pooping in the woods, falling all the time,the fear of getting lost in the woods and eaten by a bear, living off granola bars for 3 days, sleeping on the ground for like 5 hours a night, and seeing some super cool people that I only get to see once a year, that I can't say no to. This is my fourth year in a row, and I still have a pretty wicked scar from the first year. I love everything about it. So many of my best running memories take place in those woods.
Today's run was super great. I unexpectedly saw Isabel riding her bike with her daddy while he was running, and I got to give her a big kiss! I ran a solid pace, and never felt fatigued. And the smell and taste of summer is in the air! I love smelling grass and bbq while running.
Speaking of bbq, I'm almost at 7 months of the diet change. It's getting difficult. I'm really proud of myself for making it this far, but it's starting to get rough. I need encouragement, and I think I'm gonna watch a documentary or something soon to reinstate the obviously biased views they have, so I remember why I started. I was super strict with myself, and then I'd feel guilty if I went out to eat with anyone wasn't vegan (so, basically anybody I know), and I'd be like "well, it's ok if they made this with a little milk.." and just play the ignorant card and not ask. Also, since I moved closer to Flint, there's a whole lot less veg-friendly places and it's really embarrassing for me to be *that* person who's constantly asking if soups are made with vegetable broth or beef broth or if there's secret egg in something. I constantly feel like an inconvenience. Last week, my cousin made some cookies that definitely weren't vegan, but I ate pretty much a whole dozen in a 24 hour period. Then I had a custard donut. And then, I had potato salad and m&ms. I haven't had any meat, so I've been mostly vegan and all vegetarian for these 7 months, but I just hate being a burden. It makes me super stressed out and I feel guilty about it a lot. Also? I really miss pickled bologna. I do try to remind myself that I was almost 40lbs more than I am now, and not that long ago, and that I'm a lot lighter on my feet and feel confident with my body... We'll see what happens I guess. A term I'm gonna steal from someone else.. I don't wanna turn into a ve-can't.
Lately there's been this huge lawsuit on the Vibram Fivefinger shoes. Someone claimed they didn't provide a stronger foot muscle and basically destroyed their running instead of making them better. The whole thing kind of irritated me because any thing I've ever read about minimalist/barefoot running, it has ALWAYS been stated you need to start slowly and cautiously, and ease your way into training that way. It's also not said to make you a better runner, it's been argued and scientifically proven that if you run barefoot- the way you're born- you improve your stride and posture, which could in turn improve your time/speed/overall performance. Most people who know me, whether they're runners or not, know that I'm a huge fan of minimalist running and I run barefoot a lot. I can run on any surface that way, and I used to wear the Fivefinger shoes. I kicked a log during a race while wearing those shoes, and my foot broke, having nothing to do with the shoes, but I stopped wearing them because I'm annoyingly superstitious when it comes to running and just saw them as bad luck. ha. (I'm not like that with anything else in my life, and I realize how dumb it is.) When New Balance & Vibram combined and made the NB minimus, I jumped on board and have like 5 pairs of those and just rotate them.
Most of what I want to say about the Vibram lawsuit, is perfectly stated in a blog written by the self proclaimed "Barefoot Runner". (I just searched for the link and now can't find it. But here's his facebook https://www.facebook.com/barefootrunners?fref=ts for reference purposes). Everyone seems to have a magic shoe that's gonna make them faster or better or injury free. It's not something you're going to safely transition to over night, (I will admit, my first fivefinger run was a 5 miler. Probably not smart.) I've been injury free since, and I have had nothing but good results. Running barefoot/minimalist for many years has helped me improve and be faster and lighter, and honestly.. I love the feeling of the grass in my toes, or the pavement stinging my soles. I'll do it forever, and Isabel is even a fan sometimes. Some of my favorite memories are barefoot track running with her & having black feet at the end. It's freeing. It's good for the soul.
Of course it's not for everyone, but this isn't everyone's blog. :)
Isabel hasn't been doing a lot of running this year, but she's been active in soccer and she's been riding her bike with me a lot. She rode almost 5 miles with me last week and she's doing super great. She's a little too big for her bike, but her birthday is just over a month away, and that's her gift- complete with a basket. She'll be excited! She asked to do a 5k again this year, so I'll have to find her one. The Fenton one fell on the same day as a a soccer game, and the Crim won't work out since they put it too close to the 10mile. and I'm not able to do both. Speaking of the Crim, my mom is doing it ths year. I'm pretty proud of her, she's dong a 10k next week. I asked my dad if he was coming out to Michigan like he has the last few years, and he said probably not.. but hopefully that changes!
GLR is 2 months away! One of my favorite weekends during the year. There's something charming about constant sand in your hair, pooping in the woods, falling all the time,the fear of getting lost in the woods and eaten by a bear, living off granola bars for 3 days, sleeping on the ground for like 5 hours a night, and seeing some super cool people that I only get to see once a year, that I can't say no to. This is my fourth year in a row, and I still have a pretty wicked scar from the first year. I love everything about it. So many of my best running memories take place in those woods.
Today's run was super great. I unexpectedly saw Isabel riding her bike with her daddy while he was running, and I got to give her a big kiss! I ran a solid pace, and never felt fatigued. And the smell and taste of summer is in the air! I love smelling grass and bbq while running.
Speaking of bbq, I'm almost at 7 months of the diet change. It's getting difficult. I'm really proud of myself for making it this far, but it's starting to get rough. I need encouragement, and I think I'm gonna watch a documentary or something soon to reinstate the obviously biased views they have, so I remember why I started. I was super strict with myself, and then I'd feel guilty if I went out to eat with anyone wasn't vegan (so, basically anybody I know), and I'd be like "well, it's ok if they made this with a little milk.." and just play the ignorant card and not ask. Also, since I moved closer to Flint, there's a whole lot less veg-friendly places and it's really embarrassing for me to be *that* person who's constantly asking if soups are made with vegetable broth or beef broth or if there's secret egg in something. I constantly feel like an inconvenience. Last week, my cousin made some cookies that definitely weren't vegan, but I ate pretty much a whole dozen in a 24 hour period. Then I had a custard donut. And then, I had potato salad and m&ms. I haven't had any meat, so I've been mostly vegan and all vegetarian for these 7 months, but I just hate being a burden. It makes me super stressed out and I feel guilty about it a lot. Also? I really miss pickled bologna. I do try to remind myself that I was almost 40lbs more than I am now, and not that long ago, and that I'm a lot lighter on my feet and feel confident with my body... We'll see what happens I guess. A term I'm gonna steal from someone else.. I don't wanna turn into a ve-can't.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Running Is Gross.
This is my blog. About running. So.. sometimes it gets a little gross. But, as I've always said, there's a time to be lady like, and there's a time to be an athlete! (Although, I still haven't pegged the lady like part down yet.)
The other day, my lovely daughter thought it'd be appropriate to announce that mom pees her pants after races. Anybody who's close to me and has been to a race where I used all my energy, knows this happens. I've done it since I was a freshman in high school. But holy crap, I was mortified. I felt my cheeks get super red!
Let me elaborate- I don't purposely do this. I don't even know it's coming. I push and push til the finish sometimes, and as SOON as I stop moving, it happens. I know to carry a second pair of shorts and pants, and even socks because well.. I get gross. I don't know if it's an anxiety thing- I get so worked up about the race, that when it's over, all that tension is just released? Or if my body just is pushing its limits. It's never when I jog, and it's not after marathons, because well.. I'm not running at high speeds during those races. It's always after 5ks or miles.. And it's happened after speed workouts on the track, too. I was really embarrassed for a really long time about it. But after reading a lot and talking to other girls I know- it's not that uncommon. And it's not a post child birth thing, either, since I have done it since the beginning of high school. I will say, though, if for some reason I ever lose control of my bowels- count me out of running for the rest of my life. I'll probably even change my name and identity.
I think the best part of Isabel divulging this information was that she follows up with, "I have no room to talk, I've peed after races, too!" (her sitch was different, but I like how she tried to make me feel better after throwing me head first under the bus)
Today is Earth Day! Every year, since Isabel was old enough to run a little bit, and even when she was being pushed in her stroller, we have taken a garbage bag with us and picked up trash on our April 22nd run. When she was 2-3 years old, she thought that this was the funniest thing ever. Now, she kinda digs it.. she gets to even keep the deposit money on any of the cans. These are memories I'll forever cherish.
Isabel has mentioned she wants to do the Fenton Tiger 5k in May. I'm excited. She is too- she hasn't raced since Halloween. That kid is a beast. She hasn't ran a whole lot this spring, but she's been riding her bike with me during my runs. She's able to go fast enough and long enough for it to be a decent run for me, and I usually stop at the park sometime during the run for her to play. We've been at the park so much this spring, that my hands are calloused from the swings, and I have bruises on my arms and legs from them, too.
This week marks 6 months of a plant based diet! There hasn't been any drastic weight loss, mostly because I'm hovering at 110lbs, and I really shouldn't or can't lose anymore, and that's ok. But I feel great, and I don't see a reason to stop.On Halloween, when this all started, I weighed right at 140. That's the most I've ever weighed, besides when I was pregnant with Isabel. I realize that's not huge, but it's not me. And I'm such a much happier person this way. I haven't just eaten fruits and veggies- I totally indulge in the not so healthy vegan options too.. There's always that 3 day period of pms symptoms where I go to the bar on my lunch and just eat onion rings and coke. (I know, I know.. first pee & poop.. now pms? I'm a disgusting human being) Not only is it 6 months of vegan options on my end- it's Veg Week in Ann Arbor! It's like.. this was on purpose or something. It reminds me of when I had my running streak, and my 100th day was on a race day & I ran a PR and won. And had cake to celebrate!
I realize I'm jumping all over the place in these blogs.. again. It's mine, I can do what I want.
Yesterday's run in Ann Arbor was enough to fill this entire blog entry. I hadn't ran in Ann Arbor since the winter. I really wanted to run on the Arb Trail, and I haven't ran on that since the leaves were orange. I was an idiot to think I could get there my memory. It's a 1.5 mile run to the trail, then I run a couple on the trail, then the 1.5mile run back. So, it puts me at 4-6 ish usually. I somehow ended up on a cul-de-sac with a bunch of old ladies doing a hand weight work out.. I couldn't play it off like it was on purpose that I went down there, because it was a cul-de-sac. I thought I could tell where I was, so I went back out, and somehow, ended up almost in Ypsilanti- completely opposite of where I was supposed to be, since I was trying to run to the Arb, which is by the Children's Hospital in the heart of downtown Ann Arbor. So.. I turned around and headed back towards work. My phone was almost too dead to use googlemaps, so I was just going by judgement to get back. I saw some guys get pulled over while they were walking, and I honestly thought they were pulling me over for jay-walking. I'm sure I would've gotten a huge 'i told you so' for that. Then, I realized, I was heading toward Ypsi again? The roads are weird where I was, I swear I'm not that directionally challenged. I managed to find my way to the UofM campus, and being that it was the warmest day of the year so far, every single person in the world was there. I felt like it was an obstacle course, and I was dodging flying frisbees, dogs, super stoned kids, and like.. tons and tons and tons of people. I made it to the diag, and remembered how much I loved running there- tons of people or not. It's a beautiful campus, and with the warm air and the extra miles, I felt really happy to be running in A2 last night. I had a weird craving for fish & chips while running, which is totally not plant based. And I was starting to get annoyed that I was running a bunch of extra miles, that I started bargaining with myself whether or not it was ok to eat fish & chips. ( I didn't have fish & chips, for what it's worth.)
When I got home last night, I was kind of annoyed with life for a few minutes, and almost ran more miles, then realized I would hate myself the next day & I decided to swing. Which.. in all honesty, I'd competitively swing if I could over running. Ok, maybe not, but I do love swinging.
Ok, I think that's enough running and rambling for a day. Until next time, homies..
The other day, my lovely daughter thought it'd be appropriate to announce that mom pees her pants after races. Anybody who's close to me and has been to a race where I used all my energy, knows this happens. I've done it since I was a freshman in high school. But holy crap, I was mortified. I felt my cheeks get super red!
Let me elaborate- I don't purposely do this. I don't even know it's coming. I push and push til the finish sometimes, and as SOON as I stop moving, it happens. I know to carry a second pair of shorts and pants, and even socks because well.. I get gross. I don't know if it's an anxiety thing- I get so worked up about the race, that when it's over, all that tension is just released? Or if my body just is pushing its limits. It's never when I jog, and it's not after marathons, because well.. I'm not running at high speeds during those races. It's always after 5ks or miles.. And it's happened after speed workouts on the track, too. I was really embarrassed for a really long time about it. But after reading a lot and talking to other girls I know- it's not that uncommon. And it's not a post child birth thing, either, since I have done it since the beginning of high school. I will say, though, if for some reason I ever lose control of my bowels- count me out of running for the rest of my life. I'll probably even change my name and identity.
I think the best part of Isabel divulging this information was that she follows up with, "I have no room to talk, I've peed after races, too!" (her sitch was different, but I like how she tried to make me feel better after throwing me head first under the bus)
Today is Earth Day! Every year, since Isabel was old enough to run a little bit, and even when she was being pushed in her stroller, we have taken a garbage bag with us and picked up trash on our April 22nd run. When she was 2-3 years old, she thought that this was the funniest thing ever. Now, she kinda digs it.. she gets to even keep the deposit money on any of the cans. These are memories I'll forever cherish.
Isabel has mentioned she wants to do the Fenton Tiger 5k in May. I'm excited. She is too- she hasn't raced since Halloween. That kid is a beast. She hasn't ran a whole lot this spring, but she's been riding her bike with me during my runs. She's able to go fast enough and long enough for it to be a decent run for me, and I usually stop at the park sometime during the run for her to play. We've been at the park so much this spring, that my hands are calloused from the swings, and I have bruises on my arms and legs from them, too.
This week marks 6 months of a plant based diet! There hasn't been any drastic weight loss, mostly because I'm hovering at 110lbs, and I really shouldn't or can't lose anymore, and that's ok. But I feel great, and I don't see a reason to stop.On Halloween, when this all started, I weighed right at 140. That's the most I've ever weighed, besides when I was pregnant with Isabel. I realize that's not huge, but it's not me. And I'm such a much happier person this way. I haven't just eaten fruits and veggies- I totally indulge in the not so healthy vegan options too.. There's always that 3 day period of pms symptoms where I go to the bar on my lunch and just eat onion rings and coke. (I know, I know.. first pee & poop.. now pms? I'm a disgusting human being) Not only is it 6 months of vegan options on my end- it's Veg Week in Ann Arbor! It's like.. this was on purpose or something. It reminds me of when I had my running streak, and my 100th day was on a race day & I ran a PR and won. And had cake to celebrate!
I realize I'm jumping all over the place in these blogs.. again. It's mine, I can do what I want.
Yesterday's run in Ann Arbor was enough to fill this entire blog entry. I hadn't ran in Ann Arbor since the winter. I really wanted to run on the Arb Trail, and I haven't ran on that since the leaves were orange. I was an idiot to think I could get there my memory. It's a 1.5 mile run to the trail, then I run a couple on the trail, then the 1.5mile run back. So, it puts me at 4-6 ish usually. I somehow ended up on a cul-de-sac with a bunch of old ladies doing a hand weight work out.. I couldn't play it off like it was on purpose that I went down there, because it was a cul-de-sac. I thought I could tell where I was, so I went back out, and somehow, ended up almost in Ypsilanti- completely opposite of where I was supposed to be, since I was trying to run to the Arb, which is by the Children's Hospital in the heart of downtown Ann Arbor. So.. I turned around and headed back towards work. My phone was almost too dead to use googlemaps, so I was just going by judgement to get back. I saw some guys get pulled over while they were walking, and I honestly thought they were pulling me over for jay-walking. I'm sure I would've gotten a huge 'i told you so' for that. Then, I realized, I was heading toward Ypsi again? The roads are weird where I was, I swear I'm not that directionally challenged. I managed to find my way to the UofM campus, and being that it was the warmest day of the year so far, every single person in the world was there. I felt like it was an obstacle course, and I was dodging flying frisbees, dogs, super stoned kids, and like.. tons and tons and tons of people. I made it to the diag, and remembered how much I loved running there- tons of people or not. It's a beautiful campus, and with the warm air and the extra miles, I felt really happy to be running in A2 last night. I had a weird craving for fish & chips while running, which is totally not plant based. And I was starting to get annoyed that I was running a bunch of extra miles, that I started bargaining with myself whether or not it was ok to eat fish & chips. ( I didn't have fish & chips, for what it's worth.)
When I got home last night, I was kind of annoyed with life for a few minutes, and almost ran more miles, then realized I would hate myself the next day & I decided to swing. Which.. in all honesty, I'd competitively swing if I could over running. Ok, maybe not, but I do love swinging.
Ok, I think that's enough running and rambling for a day. Until next time, homies..
Thursday, March 27, 2014
happiness is Erin shaped.
Winter is technically over! And Monday is calling for 60°! I never thought this day would come.
Isabel went running outside with me for the first time since early winter last weekend. She & I moved to Fenton at the beginning of February, so she got to explore the town with me for a bit. Then, 2 days later, she some how managed to run almost 3 miles. And not incredibly slow either. She's a beast. She told me she wants to run the Fenton 5k in May, so "we gotta train, Mom!"
I feel like my blog is constant disappointment. One entry will be like "I'm doing this race!", then the next will be "oh,well.. I got sick, yadda yadda.." The A2 Half is Sunday, and I will not be running as planned in the winter. The same health issues occurred, along with a breakup, a move.. and cancer. So, forgive me for my excuses, but.. I won't be competing on Sunday. As for the health issues- they're good and done, (hopefully forever now), the breakup- well.. also good & done, and the cancer- I had surgery on Monday.. so.. April 7th will be the definite 'good & done' verdict at the follow up. It was caught early, and luckily no radiation or bigger surgeries were needed. Also.. lots of love & support from lots of angles. I'm a pretty lucky lady.
Enough about that!
I've obviously had a few things on my brain lately. Running is a great cure for anxiety/depression/anger/happiness/anything. A couple weeks ago, I was having a rough time and I set out for a run. The run wasn't cutting it, and I was feeling angrier and angrier. It was 14°, and a lot of snow on the ground, but I ran to the playground and I played on the swingset for a really long time all by myself. Best. Therapy. Ever. Then I ran home happy and smiley. I told Isabel all about it, and of course, we had to make a park pitstop during our run together.
In the last year, I've learned a lot more that nobody should take away the things you love. If you're in a relationship, and the other person is jealous of your hobbies.. it's not a good relationship.The other person should try to better you- encourage you to do the things you love. Not take them away for no reason. I solemnly swear never to put running on a back burner because a boyfriend/girlfriend/whoever is jealous of my running alone time. Not even just alone time- this week was the first time in almost a year I saw my running club friends. It's kind of liberating. I missed this. The freedom of just running whenever I feel like will never be taken for granted again.
Isabel went running outside with me for the first time since early winter last weekend. She & I moved to Fenton at the beginning of February, so she got to explore the town with me for a bit. Then, 2 days later, she some how managed to run almost 3 miles. And not incredibly slow either. She's a beast. She told me she wants to run the Fenton 5k in May, so "we gotta train, Mom!"
I feel like my blog is constant disappointment. One entry will be like "I'm doing this race!", then the next will be "oh,well.. I got sick, yadda yadda.." The A2 Half is Sunday, and I will not be running as planned in the winter. The same health issues occurred, along with a breakup, a move.. and cancer. So, forgive me for my excuses, but.. I won't be competing on Sunday. As for the health issues- they're good and done, (hopefully forever now), the breakup- well.. also good & done, and the cancer- I had surgery on Monday.. so.. April 7th will be the definite 'good & done' verdict at the follow up. It was caught early, and luckily no radiation or bigger surgeries were needed. Also.. lots of love & support from lots of angles. I'm a pretty lucky lady.
Enough about that!
I've obviously had a few things on my brain lately. Running is a great cure for anxiety/depression/anger/happiness/anything. A couple weeks ago, I was having a rough time and I set out for a run. The run wasn't cutting it, and I was feeling angrier and angrier. It was 14°, and a lot of snow on the ground, but I ran to the playground and I played on the swingset for a really long time all by myself. Best. Therapy. Ever. Then I ran home happy and smiley. I told Isabel all about it, and of course, we had to make a park pitstop during our run together.
In the last year, I've learned a lot more that nobody should take away the things you love. If you're in a relationship, and the other person is jealous of your hobbies.. it's not a good relationship.The other person should try to better you- encourage you to do the things you love. Not take them away for no reason. I solemnly swear never to put running on a back burner because a boyfriend/girlfriend/whoever is jealous of my running alone time. Not even just alone time- this week was the first time in almost a year I saw my running club friends. It's kind of liberating. I missed this. The freedom of just running whenever I feel like will never be taken for granted again.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Winter Blues
Winter is kicking my ass. I broke down and ran on the treadmill at work yesterday. I did get to wear shorts since it was inside, and I ran 6 minute miles, so it wasn't all bad. The work treadmill was the most amazing treadmill.. but considering I've only ran on a treadmill a handful of times in my 13 1/2 years of running, and mine (that I keep in storage-such a waste), is a piece of crap, any sort of fancy treadmill is amazing to me. The bad part was, I forgot running shoes and I had to run in socks, so I got blood blisters on most of my toes. I'm a huge barefoot runner in the summer-on all types of surface; I even ran a 5k at the Crim barefoot with Isabel because I forgot my shoes and didn't want her to miss her race!- but it's been a few months, and my tootsies were sensitive. Gross or not, there's something totally euphoric about popping blisters. And I always use an old race pin- totally unsanitary but I'll never stop!
Isabel got to do her first '13-'14 snow run with me over the weekend. She loves it, but that was really the only day I could take her because of the staggering wind chill this past MONTH. Again, winter is kicking my ass. It's not even February! She proudly told me she wanted to do another 5k in the spring (I don't remember if that's her 4th or 5th) and that made me excited! I noticed in the Wayne County activity book they had a kids 5k training program. Isabel doesn't need that, (that sounds like I'm boasting, but I'm totally not right there), but it made me happy that they're encouraging and promoting young running! I truly believe that there are just some people who don't like running and nothing you say or do will change that about them, but I also truly believe that most everyone should participate in some sort of physical activity. And encouraging kids to do so is the best!
Yesterday marked 3 months of eating vegan! I feel great, and don't have a desire to go back. The kids have been pretty willing to try most things.. Mason is more hesitant than Isabel for sure. But she's always been more of an adventurous eater and I just came into Mason's life about a year ago. Last night, Isabel helped me cut the veggies for our salad, and then Mason even asked for seconds on the salad, so we're making progress! I haven't made them stop eating meat, even though as a whole, the household has drastically cut down since I do prepare most meals (and when Ryan does, he makes them vegan!), but they asked if this week they could have a real "cow burger." Even before I stopped eating meat, I only ate turkey burger, so they were so excited when I said yes. I haven't lost any more weight really, but I don't need to. I'm at a small, but healthy weight and I look good. And again, this whole transformation has taught me how to cook, read labels, and find new recipes.
On a sad note, Elite Feet of Lapeer is closing. I don't know a whole lot of details as to when, but I'm really sad even though it's been a year since I've been there. Not really a fan of the running store 2 blocks from my work, but I'll figure something out.
Isabel got to do her first '13-'14 snow run with me over the weekend. She loves it, but that was really the only day I could take her because of the staggering wind chill this past MONTH. Again, winter is kicking my ass. It's not even February! She proudly told me she wanted to do another 5k in the spring (I don't remember if that's her 4th or 5th) and that made me excited! I noticed in the Wayne County activity book they had a kids 5k training program. Isabel doesn't need that, (that sounds like I'm boasting, but I'm totally not right there), but it made me happy that they're encouraging and promoting young running! I truly believe that there are just some people who don't like running and nothing you say or do will change that about them, but I also truly believe that most everyone should participate in some sort of physical activity. And encouraging kids to do so is the best!
Yesterday marked 3 months of eating vegan! I feel great, and don't have a desire to go back. The kids have been pretty willing to try most things.. Mason is more hesitant than Isabel for sure. But she's always been more of an adventurous eater and I just came into Mason's life about a year ago. Last night, Isabel helped me cut the veggies for our salad, and then Mason even asked for seconds on the salad, so we're making progress! I haven't made them stop eating meat, even though as a whole, the household has drastically cut down since I do prepare most meals (and when Ryan does, he makes them vegan!), but they asked if this week they could have a real "cow burger." Even before I stopped eating meat, I only ate turkey burger, so they were so excited when I said yes. I haven't lost any more weight really, but I don't need to. I'm at a small, but healthy weight and I look good. And again, this whole transformation has taught me how to cook, read labels, and find new recipes.
On a sad note, Elite Feet of Lapeer is closing. I don't know a whole lot of details as to when, but I'm really sad even though it's been a year since I've been there. Not really a fan of the running store 2 blocks from my work, but I'll figure something out.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Happy Trails
Saturday morning I woke up so lethargic.The kids were gone, and Ryan was working, so my plan was to lay around in my own grossness and just watch Netflix all day. I got up a few times to get peanut butter or something, but my body was so heavy and I felt terrible. So, I finally muster up the energy to get in the shower, and before I got my hair wet decided that maybe I needed to do a trail run. Those always make me happy, and I was kinda bummin. So I rinsed off, put my Batman running shirt on (to help make the run even more super!) and drove to the Arbor/Ypsi trails Isabel & I frequented in the summer. They were SO snowy, but that made it so much better. It made me happy to see all the footprints and bike marks (seriously, you have to be super tough to ride your bike through a foot of snow covered trail!) because I'm not the only crazy one out there. I did a few loops of the 1.5 mile path, and I felt so much better. I went grocery shopping immediately after, and wasn't extremely anxious like I always am when I go anywhere. I wish Isabel would've been there for it, too, she would've had so much fun!
I like to run with Bonnie on Sundays. Partly because she was my original running partner back in 2002 when I started high school, partly because it gets me out of bed before 9 because we always run early, partly because we usually run through a state or metropark, and partly because we get a solid amount of miles in. Yesterday, we ran 7 at the Kensington Metropark. That place is huge, and I remembered the hard way how insanely hilly it was. I must've been dehydrated or had low blood sugar or maybe both because by the end of this run, I was seeing spots and I was wheezing when I breathed. We don't even run that fast because we talk the whole time and her dog runs with us. I drove home, and I had to have Ryan pull down the toaster for me because I was shaking so bad. That run kicked my butt! I had to take a 20 minute nap after my shower to recharge because I had plans for the remainder of the day and I had a few hours of driving ahead. By the time I got home last night, my head was in a huge fog. Today is a definitely much needed rest day from running!
My favorite part of the run-conversation that we had yesterday was finding out Bonnie was transitioning to vegan eating!I was so excited! I don't really know anyone else who eats like I do besides at home (and I still prepare them some food with animal products because it's not fair for me to take that all away from them if they don't want me to). I feel like everyone looks at me like I'm nuts and one of "those" people, but I sweeear, besides on here, I try not to even talk about it toooo much. But, talking about it makes me accountable for my actions. And besides, there's plenty of other people who take pictures of their food every meal and Instagram the heck out of it. Which, I don't. :)
On that note, I made Black Bean Brownies yesterday! Tasted just like your regular brownies, you couldn't even taste the black beans. The kids didn't even know until they finished their first one, asked for a second and I told them of the secret ingredient. They were surprised, but still loved them. And I told them, that sometimes "weird" ingredients are in things, but they're still delicious, and if you go on in life afraid to try stuff, you'll have bored taste-buds! I googled a lot of the recipes that I've tried so far, some were great, some were bad (we made a different batch of brownies at the very beginning of this vegan lifestyle, and Ryan dubbed them "ass brownies"). If I liked the recipe enough to make it again (chili, pancakes, stuffed peppers, tempeh burgers, chocolate chip walnut cookies etc.), I have put it on a note card and have began a recipe collection. My sister also got me a Betty Crocker inspired vegan cook book for Christmas that we've used a few times.
Here's the recipe for the brownies: (from the book No Meat Athlete by Matt Frazier)
Dry Ingredients
1 1/2c whole wheat flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
2 1/4c raw sugar
1 1/4c cocoa
nuts (the recipe called for hazelnut but I only had a bag of walnuts, and I wish I had more than what I had on hand because that's my fav part of a brownie!)
Wet Ingredients
1 can black beans
1 tsp vanilla
1 c water
Preheat at 350°. Mix all the dry ingredients into a bowl. Take the can of beans, drain them into a strainer and rinse thoroughly. Rinse out the can thoroughly. Put the beans back into the can and fill the remainder of the can with water. Dump into a processor and make into a puree. Add the puree, vanilla & cup of water to the dry mix and stir. Put into a 9x13 ( I used an 8.5x11 because it's all I had and it was fine) greased pan and bake for 25-30. (it took the whole 30 on my end.)
Scrumptious!
I like to run with Bonnie on Sundays. Partly because she was my original running partner back in 2002 when I started high school, partly because it gets me out of bed before 9 because we always run early, partly because we usually run through a state or metropark, and partly because we get a solid amount of miles in. Yesterday, we ran 7 at the Kensington Metropark. That place is huge, and I remembered the hard way how insanely hilly it was. I must've been dehydrated or had low blood sugar or maybe both because by the end of this run, I was seeing spots and I was wheezing when I breathed. We don't even run that fast because we talk the whole time and her dog runs with us. I drove home, and I had to have Ryan pull down the toaster for me because I was shaking so bad. That run kicked my butt! I had to take a 20 minute nap after my shower to recharge because I had plans for the remainder of the day and I had a few hours of driving ahead. By the time I got home last night, my head was in a huge fog. Today is a definitely much needed rest day from running!
My favorite part of the run-conversation that we had yesterday was finding out Bonnie was transitioning to vegan eating!I was so excited! I don't really know anyone else who eats like I do besides at home (and I still prepare them some food with animal products because it's not fair for me to take that all away from them if they don't want me to). I feel like everyone looks at me like I'm nuts and one of "those" people, but I sweeear, besides on here, I try not to even talk about it toooo much. But, talking about it makes me accountable for my actions. And besides, there's plenty of other people who take pictures of their food every meal and Instagram the heck out of it. Which, I don't. :)
On that note, I made Black Bean Brownies yesterday! Tasted just like your regular brownies, you couldn't even taste the black beans. The kids didn't even know until they finished their first one, asked for a second and I told them of the secret ingredient. They were surprised, but still loved them. And I told them, that sometimes "weird" ingredients are in things, but they're still delicious, and if you go on in life afraid to try stuff, you'll have bored taste-buds! I googled a lot of the recipes that I've tried so far, some were great, some were bad (we made a different batch of brownies at the very beginning of this vegan lifestyle, and Ryan dubbed them "ass brownies"). If I liked the recipe enough to make it again (chili, pancakes, stuffed peppers, tempeh burgers, chocolate chip walnut cookies etc.), I have put it on a note card and have began a recipe collection. My sister also got me a Betty Crocker inspired vegan cook book for Christmas that we've used a few times.
Here's the recipe for the brownies: (from the book No Meat Athlete by Matt Frazier)
Dry Ingredients
1 1/2c whole wheat flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
2 1/4c raw sugar
1 1/4c cocoa
nuts (the recipe called for hazelnut but I only had a bag of walnuts, and I wish I had more than what I had on hand because that's my fav part of a brownie!)
Wet Ingredients
1 can black beans
1 tsp vanilla
1 c water
Preheat at 350°. Mix all the dry ingredients into a bowl. Take the can of beans, drain them into a strainer and rinse thoroughly. Rinse out the can thoroughly. Put the beans back into the can and fill the remainder of the can with water. Dump into a processor and make into a puree. Add the puree, vanilla & cup of water to the dry mix and stir. Put into a 9x13 ( I used an 8.5x11 because it's all I had and it was fine) greased pan and bake for 25-30. (it took the whole 30 on my end.)
Scrumptious!
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Running safe & Operation: Ann Arbor 1/2
I love running. I absolutely do. And I'm super pumped to finally be training for something again. "Official" training for the Ann Arbor half has began. I'm getting excited, and I keep talking about it to continue to stay pumped up. Getting up in the morning before work, when it's 13° F with a windchill of -85° (ok, that last part might've been exaggerated a bit), is soooo haaaard when I'm all cozy next to a warm man and a cuddly cat. I've toughed it out though and feel good about it. Today, Ann Arbor was so icy, I had to cut off a chunk of my run because it was slowing me down so much, I was going to be late for work if I didn't wrap it up. I had to walk a handful of times because I was slipping, and my pace was waaay slow. A little disappointed, but I'm gonna go a different route tomorrow. I used to have those yak trak things that went on the bottom of your shoes for grip, but I think I only have a single one? I want it to be less icy because Isabel keeps asking to run, and I miss running with her, but worry-wort mom over here doesn't want her to fall. If all else fails.. I may have to cave and use the treadmill at work. I even own a treadmill, but it's in storage and I think I've used it less than 10 times. I used to think, back in high-school, that I was just clumsy because I would not have my balance on a treadmill, but I read in a book about singular vision that people with one eye have a really hard time on treadmills. SO I didn't make it up! That just reminded me that back when I was 12, and going for my very first Cross Country physical, the doctor told me I should play "an easier activity" because I only had vision in one eye and he refused to write up my clearance! Obviously my mom took me somewhere else, and the rest is history, but I still laugh every time I remember that.What if I listened? I never would've ran.My whole life would be completely different. This doesn't mean I haven't ran into my share of things on my left side because I don't see.. but I'm generally pretty safe to run. haha. (ps it was Dr Aftab for all you Clio natives.)
I think I'm going to treat myself to a new pair of kicks soon. I think I'm the only person I know who has 5 pairs of running shoes, but they're all the same, just different colors. I race in them, I train in them, I do trails in them, city running, and I've done short distances all the way up to a marathon in that exact shoe. Don't mess with a good thing... right?
I really hope we move when our lease is up so we have a bigger yard. I have a dog, Matilda, who is 5 and I've had since she was 8 weeks old, but she is the laziest, least active dog ever. And she's afraid to be outside. I don't know why she's such a pansy. I had another dog, Roxy, for four years who I ran with all the time. I miss that so much. I always had a companion to hit the road with but I didn't have to worry about talking. And I could fart when I run (which seems to happen often, don't judge me) and not be embarrassed. And she was speedy! And, when you're a dog owner, seeing the joy on a dog's face after a run is priceless. We went to the Humane Society on Saturday because I thought I saw Roxy on their website (she is with a family who can take care of her since I moved in June and my yard is a lot smaller, as well as having 2 more people in our house) and I was going to get her back. It wasn't her, though, and then I fell in love with a different dog. (Ryan said no, even though he keeps talking about said dog...)
I keep seeing articles about runners getting killed by cars. It's awful. I know I'm not the all-knower of the world, but my whole life I've been so scared running, that I'm extra cautious. I think the absolute only time I've ever ran with headphones was in 8th grade when I ran around a pond on a bike path in Colorado. Don't trust that drivers see you at stop lights or intersections unless they make eye contact or gesture you! I always run behind a car if they're stopped at a light just to ensure they're not gonna go forward and nick me. Look both ways before you cross a street. Sounds juvenile, but it's the truth. If you have to run at night, STAY VISIBLE. I own two headlamps, an arm flasher, and most running apparel has some sort of reflective strip, and by all means, don't dress in all black.Try to stay on side walks at night, especially in a busy area. RUN TOWARD TRAFFIC. Seriously. It absolutely blows my mind how many times I see runners on the wrong side of the road. Bikes are supposed to be with traffic, walkers/runners-against. You need to see what's coming at you. I realize running kind of puts you in a new world, but you need to be alert, too. If you're going around a sharp corner, that's the only time you should be on the right side, so you're visible to all drivers. If it's snowy, I try to wear bright orange or pink so I don't blend in with the weather. Don't be on your phone!! I shouldn't even have to say this. Running should be about unplugging from the world. I will admit, I do have mine with me sometimes, as a GPS if my watch is dead or won't load, but all the sounds and alerts are off so I don't feel I need to check a text. Seriously, I don't mean to sound like a know it all, but reading about runners dying because they're getting hit by cars kills me.
Stay Safe, dudes!
I think I'm going to treat myself to a new pair of kicks soon. I think I'm the only person I know who has 5 pairs of running shoes, but they're all the same, just different colors. I race in them, I train in them, I do trails in them, city running, and I've done short distances all the way up to a marathon in that exact shoe. Don't mess with a good thing... right?
I really hope we move when our lease is up so we have a bigger yard. I have a dog, Matilda, who is 5 and I've had since she was 8 weeks old, but she is the laziest, least active dog ever. And she's afraid to be outside. I don't know why she's such a pansy. I had another dog, Roxy, for four years who I ran with all the time. I miss that so much. I always had a companion to hit the road with but I didn't have to worry about talking. And I could fart when I run (which seems to happen often, don't judge me) and not be embarrassed. And she was speedy! And, when you're a dog owner, seeing the joy on a dog's face after a run is priceless. We went to the Humane Society on Saturday because I thought I saw Roxy on their website (she is with a family who can take care of her since I moved in June and my yard is a lot smaller, as well as having 2 more people in our house) and I was going to get her back. It wasn't her, though, and then I fell in love with a different dog. (Ryan said no, even though he keeps talking about said dog...)
I keep seeing articles about runners getting killed by cars. It's awful. I know I'm not the all-knower of the world, but my whole life I've been so scared running, that I'm extra cautious. I think the absolute only time I've ever ran with headphones was in 8th grade when I ran around a pond on a bike path in Colorado. Don't trust that drivers see you at stop lights or intersections unless they make eye contact or gesture you! I always run behind a car if they're stopped at a light just to ensure they're not gonna go forward and nick me. Look both ways before you cross a street. Sounds juvenile, but it's the truth. If you have to run at night, STAY VISIBLE. I own two headlamps, an arm flasher, and most running apparel has some sort of reflective strip, and by all means, don't dress in all black.Try to stay on side walks at night, especially in a busy area. RUN TOWARD TRAFFIC. Seriously. It absolutely blows my mind how many times I see runners on the wrong side of the road. Bikes are supposed to be with traffic, walkers/runners-against. You need to see what's coming at you. I realize running kind of puts you in a new world, but you need to be alert, too. If you're going around a sharp corner, that's the only time you should be on the right side, so you're visible to all drivers. If it's snowy, I try to wear bright orange or pink so I don't blend in with the weather. Don't be on your phone!! I shouldn't even have to say this. Running should be about unplugging from the world. I will admit, I do have mine with me sometimes, as a GPS if my watch is dead or won't load, but all the sounds and alerts are off so I don't feel I need to check a text. Seriously, I don't mean to sound like a know it all, but reading about runners dying because they're getting hit by cars kills me.
Stay Safe, dudes!
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
snow storms & feelings
To say we got a little snow is quite and understatement. For 2 days it was a steady inch an hour accumulation pretty much. On top of all of that snow, the windchill was at a cool -45 degrees Fahrenheit. All of the snow-less parts of the road are frozen over, and you can't even breathe without feeling like the wind is taking your breath away. It's brutal. Part of me wants to just run in it because I like doing things against the norm sometimes and I'd feel pretty tough after. You know, there's no endorphin rush quite like running in the snow paired with sub zero temps. Buuuut. My old ass hurt my back shoveling. I'm way too young for this. I've only been out for like, 2 days, and should be good to go probably tomorrow or the next, but ugh. Monday begins the first week of the Ann Arbor 1/2 Marathon training. Shouldn't be toooo bad, it's just a half. And like I said, my back should be good to go. It might even stretch that bad boy out if I run.
The veganism is going awesomely. I began this journey on October 28, 2013. I weighed in at 139.7. The biggest I'd been besides while being pregnant with my daughter in 2005/2006. I have had no meat since that date, and I can't remember the last time I had anything that wasn't NOT vegan, not just vegetarian. I weighed in yesterday, January 7, 2014- just over 2 months later- at 120.3. I feel great. All of my pants fit well again. and I'm happy. My stomach tattoo is the way it should be, and I don't feel bloated. The goal is to get toned though. I don't want to be "skinny" I want to be fit. I'm getting there! And that makes me happy.
So, I mostly talk about running things, but I need to just vent about life. It is, after all, MY blog & the title is Running & Ramblings.. so here's some ramblings I guess. I also don't think anyone reads this, sooo. I'll write whatever I wanna.
I have a lot of good things in my life. And most people do. But the problem is, I've lived a life filled with depression and anxiety. I've heard time and time again that I can just "focus on the good and everything will be better". No. I realize that almost everyone has been through terrible things, but most people know how to move on. I just don't have the tools in my brain to know how. This doesn't mean I don't try to move on, but I just can't. Almost 2 years ago, I went through the most traumatic time in my whole life. It's not a secret what happened. It tore apart my relationship I was in. I loved that guy, and although I'm in a great relationship with a great guy now, the pain is still there, and I have a really hard time talking to my ex because it was so hard for both of us. We're still decent friends, I mean.. I'd trust him with anything quite frankly, but I just can't even talk to him. That doesn't sound like good friends, I know, but it just fucking hurts, man. Not only that, I lost all of my independence when the whole ordeal took place. I was so sick, I couldn't work for over a month, and I had to live with my mom during that time because I couldn't pay for my own electricity. I lost friends. Now, they say they're still my friend, but heh. They were mutual friends of my ex & me, and I think they felt like they needed to break away from one of us, even though he & I still talk. (it's been like 2 weeks since we spoke, but whatevs) My friends had a going away party and we were all there recently. We talked, and hugged, and all that usual stuff.. then I just cried my entire way home. It's not the relationship I can't get over. It's just the things that happened. I lost my ability to have any more children. I have the best daughter ever, and a great step son.. but to be told I have to make that choice- either permanently make the decision to cut off your ability to reproduce (which has caused some of its own issues) or possibly get pregnant and just basically be on the verge of death again. It fucking sucked. During all of this, I had an anxiety attack so bad, that I couldn't even speak and my ex thought I was having an allergic reaction. I don't even remember that whole week. I understand why my friends broke away. I was losing it. But who the hell wouldn't? This has effected the rest of my life. I'm permanently scarred from this. Physically and emotionally. Before this period, I was a depressed & anxious person, but I feel like this spun me out of control. Insane things have happened in my life before all this, and I got through it, but this has left the biggest impact.
I feel like most people don't like me because they don't understand me. On the internet, I come off as this over the top out going individual who has nothing to hide. In person, I'm a socially awkward, shy mess who doesn't know how to communicate. This has caused an uproar with people. People think I'm rude or bitchy or don't care. I just can't honestly handle being around anyone without a legitimate nervous breakdown. I work in an office of about 30 but nobody really speaks with me during the day, my office is in no man's land. And when residents come in, they hand me their check then leave. When I worked retail, I would sometimes hide in various parts of the store to re group myself, then when I got sick, I kinda diminished as a good employee and inevitably severed my relationship with the store. I have a terrible relationship with my mom, I feel like the whole thing is forced and we don't get along no matter what. I feel like people from high school don't like me for stupid teenager things I did back in the day. Get the fuck over it, I'm almost 26 years old.
I don't NEED to be around people or NEED to have a million friends. But I feel like I am completely alone besides my boyfriend and my kids. I know family is most important, and that's great and all. But I feel like I'm losing my sanity and I'd hate to push him away. He's very understanding- as much as one can me who has never experienced depression and anxiety like I have- and he's very comforting towards me. I couldn't ask for better.
Running is my escape, it really truly is. But I'm starting to think it's not enough. Maybe medication. But that intertwines the whole being a nut bag about gaining weight- which I've mentioned time and time on this blog that I'm super paranoid about my weight.I don't know. I don't even know why I wrote all this. I think I just needed to write it somewhere, and knowing that other people don't really read this made me feel a little better about it.
Or maybe a bunch of random people do read it and they'll all think I'm crazier than ever.
Next time will be positive. And running related only. Promise.
The veganism is going awesomely. I began this journey on October 28, 2013. I weighed in at 139.7. The biggest I'd been besides while being pregnant with my daughter in 2005/2006. I have had no meat since that date, and I can't remember the last time I had anything that wasn't NOT vegan, not just vegetarian. I weighed in yesterday, January 7, 2014- just over 2 months later- at 120.3. I feel great. All of my pants fit well again. and I'm happy. My stomach tattoo is the way it should be, and I don't feel bloated. The goal is to get toned though. I don't want to be "skinny" I want to be fit. I'm getting there! And that makes me happy.
So, I mostly talk about running things, but I need to just vent about life. It is, after all, MY blog & the title is Running & Ramblings.. so here's some ramblings I guess. I also don't think anyone reads this, sooo. I'll write whatever I wanna.
I have a lot of good things in my life. And most people do. But the problem is, I've lived a life filled with depression and anxiety. I've heard time and time again that I can just "focus on the good and everything will be better". No. I realize that almost everyone has been through terrible things, but most people know how to move on. I just don't have the tools in my brain to know how. This doesn't mean I don't try to move on, but I just can't. Almost 2 years ago, I went through the most traumatic time in my whole life. It's not a secret what happened. It tore apart my relationship I was in. I loved that guy, and although I'm in a great relationship with a great guy now, the pain is still there, and I have a really hard time talking to my ex because it was so hard for both of us. We're still decent friends, I mean.. I'd trust him with anything quite frankly, but I just can't even talk to him. That doesn't sound like good friends, I know, but it just fucking hurts, man. Not only that, I lost all of my independence when the whole ordeal took place. I was so sick, I couldn't work for over a month, and I had to live with my mom during that time because I couldn't pay for my own electricity. I lost friends. Now, they say they're still my friend, but heh. They were mutual friends of my ex & me, and I think they felt like they needed to break away from one of us, even though he & I still talk. (it's been like 2 weeks since we spoke, but whatevs) My friends had a going away party and we were all there recently. We talked, and hugged, and all that usual stuff.. then I just cried my entire way home. It's not the relationship I can't get over. It's just the things that happened. I lost my ability to have any more children. I have the best daughter ever, and a great step son.. but to be told I have to make that choice- either permanently make the decision to cut off your ability to reproduce (which has caused some of its own issues) or possibly get pregnant and just basically be on the verge of death again. It fucking sucked. During all of this, I had an anxiety attack so bad, that I couldn't even speak and my ex thought I was having an allergic reaction. I don't even remember that whole week. I understand why my friends broke away. I was losing it. But who the hell wouldn't? This has effected the rest of my life. I'm permanently scarred from this. Physically and emotionally. Before this period, I was a depressed & anxious person, but I feel like this spun me out of control. Insane things have happened in my life before all this, and I got through it, but this has left the biggest impact.
I feel like most people don't like me because they don't understand me. On the internet, I come off as this over the top out going individual who has nothing to hide. In person, I'm a socially awkward, shy mess who doesn't know how to communicate. This has caused an uproar with people. People think I'm rude or bitchy or don't care. I just can't honestly handle being around anyone without a legitimate nervous breakdown. I work in an office of about 30 but nobody really speaks with me during the day, my office is in no man's land. And when residents come in, they hand me their check then leave. When I worked retail, I would sometimes hide in various parts of the store to re group myself, then when I got sick, I kinda diminished as a good employee and inevitably severed my relationship with the store. I have a terrible relationship with my mom, I feel like the whole thing is forced and we don't get along no matter what. I feel like people from high school don't like me for stupid teenager things I did back in the day. Get the fuck over it, I'm almost 26 years old.
I don't NEED to be around people or NEED to have a million friends. But I feel like I am completely alone besides my boyfriend and my kids. I know family is most important, and that's great and all. But I feel like I'm losing my sanity and I'd hate to push him away. He's very understanding- as much as one can me who has never experienced depression and anxiety like I have- and he's very comforting towards me. I couldn't ask for better.
Running is my escape, it really truly is. But I'm starting to think it's not enough. Maybe medication. But that intertwines the whole being a nut bag about gaining weight- which I've mentioned time and time on this blog that I'm super paranoid about my weight.I don't know. I don't even know why I wrote all this. I think I just needed to write it somewhere, and knowing that other people don't really read this made me feel a little better about it.
Or maybe a bunch of random people do read it and they'll all think I'm crazier than ever.
Next time will be positive. And running related only. Promise.
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