Reading all these blog posts makes me really disappointed in myself. I feel like I jump on board ideas, then give up. And then have a million excuses why I gave up. I mean, they're legitimate excuses- I didn't break 65 minutes in 2011 for the Crim because I got a broken jaw 10 days before, I stopped training for marathons because it's hard to balance single motherhood and running 20 mile training runs, I gained a bunch of weight because I got sick in 2012, I gave up my running streak in 2010 because I had a broken foot, I didn't run the Ann Arbor half in 2014 because I had cervical cancer and had surgery, etc. The list goes on. See? All legit excuses, but I HATE excuses.
About 2 weeks ago, I ate meat for the first time. I felt overwhelmed by life that weekend (excuse), and I've always had a weird relationship with food and eat my feelings. I had a hamburger. It tasted delicious, but I promised myself it was just a fluke, I needed to get it out of my system, and that I'd not do it again. Two days later I had chicken wings. I didn't eat meat again for a week, but I had things with dairy in them. Then after the week passed, I had chicken wings again, 2 days in a row. I felt really guilty at first, but then thought maybe if I just had meat on the weekends, sometimes, I'd be ok. For the hell of it, I decided to count how many days I lasted with a plant based diet- 226 days. Weird coincidence that it was unintentionally the same amount of days as my running streak that got stopped from the broken foot? For sure a weird coincidence, but it definitely made me feel less guilty about stopping for some reason.
Today was the hottest run I've done in a year or so, but I love hot, humid runs. My fingers get super fat and I get super sweaty, but I feel tough. I feel like random things in my life, (financial, friendships, work stuff, etc) are like, spiraling, and I get super overwhelmed and get stress pimples and sore muscles from worrying, and I can't control the pimples, and can only sort of control the other things, that I feel better about myself if I run several miles in the heat. I can control that. I can control my hydration, speed, the clothes I wear, etc. And it makes me feel like a better person.
My running blog makes me sound like a nutball and this entry sounds so depressing. It's not. I'm happy. In general, I'm the happiest I've been, probably ever. I just am in a constant battle with stress management, and running is a huge getaway for that.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Real Running
In the words of John "the Penguin" Bingham, "If you run, you are a runner. It doesn't matter how fast or how far. It
doesn't matter if today is your first day or if you've been running for
twenty years. There is no test to pass, no license to earn, no
membership card to get. You just run."
I'm actually a huge fan of Mr. Bigham. After having Isabel, I was so lost at how to start running again, and I really wanted to run a marathon. He, along with Jenny Hadfield (coach Jenny, who does a blog for RW), wrote the book Marathoning For Mortals, and that book really did help encourage me to realize that I didn't have to be super duper fast to complete a marathon, I just had to have heart and dedication. That first marathon was significantly slower than my best marathon, but it was so much fun, and a huge high light in my life. And all those miles helped me become a faster, better runner later on.
I know you don't have to run a ton of miles to be a "real" runner. And I know you don't have to be quick. But I feel weird claiming myself as a 'real runner' when I'm not running like I like to run. Doing a 2-3 mile run 2x a week just to feel good, isn't *my* real running. In the last few months, though, I've gotten back to "real" running, and I'm feeling pretty great. My legs feel lean again, I have my self proclaimed runner butt almost back, and I'm feeling pretty speedy. Definitely not where I would love to be, but hey, it's early! And I'm working hard. I haven't really worked hard since 2011ish.
The three main reasons I run are for fitness- my body feels so much better when I run, competition- either with myself or others... I have always had a huge competitive drive, sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes, not so much, and the third main reason: mental clarity. For more than half my life I've struggled with Obsessive Compulsive Anxiety and have tried many different medications, exercising things, and other stuff.. running is the best prescription. Since I've moved to Fenton back in February, I've let my ocd/anxiety guard down. My last house I lived in, was absolutely spotless. I freaked out if anyone put anything somewhere it didn't belong, and I'd stay up super late disinfecting everything and organizing. Isabel told me this morning she was glad I wasn't so "grumpy" about the house like I was in the last one. I don't know if running more lately has helped lessen that or what.. but I'm like.. completely unorganized.
Part of my organization issues bled into running. I have logged every.single.mile since 2002. I have SO many date books filled with miles, routes, times, how I felt during said run, etc. Before my Garmin, I'd log onto mapmyrun.com and meticulously map out a perfect run. Like.. not .1 over or under. Always had to be exact. If I ran with running club, and I didn't have my Garmin, I'd feel super annoyed if I didn't know the exact amount of miles and I'd stress for a week. I don't even know why, I've never done anything with this information except when I was running every single day. And even then, I just figured out my average per day.
Now that I moved, I run with my watch sometimes, sometimes with my phone app.. and I don't have a log. That kiiiinda stresses me out. But at the same time.. it's a breath of fresh air. Part of me feels like I'm standing at this edge of a cliff- an unorganized house/running life cliff and one more unorganized thing thrown in the bunch is just gonna throw me into a black hole. Yesterday I didn't even run with a watch! Maybe if I clean my car and sweep the house, the overwhelming sense of needing to log my every mile ran will subside a little. (maybe that doesn't make sense, but it totally does to me.) But I gotta say.. I've come a long way with needing to feel like I'm controlling every little detail of my life.
I'm actually a huge fan of Mr. Bigham. After having Isabel, I was so lost at how to start running again, and I really wanted to run a marathon. He, along with Jenny Hadfield (coach Jenny, who does a blog for RW), wrote the book Marathoning For Mortals, and that book really did help encourage me to realize that I didn't have to be super duper fast to complete a marathon, I just had to have heart and dedication. That first marathon was significantly slower than my best marathon, but it was so much fun, and a huge high light in my life. And all those miles helped me become a faster, better runner later on.
I know you don't have to run a ton of miles to be a "real" runner. And I know you don't have to be quick. But I feel weird claiming myself as a 'real runner' when I'm not running like I like to run. Doing a 2-3 mile run 2x a week just to feel good, isn't *my* real running. In the last few months, though, I've gotten back to "real" running, and I'm feeling pretty great. My legs feel lean again, I have my self proclaimed runner butt almost back, and I'm feeling pretty speedy. Definitely not where I would love to be, but hey, it's early! And I'm working hard. I haven't really worked hard since 2011ish.
The three main reasons I run are for fitness- my body feels so much better when I run, competition- either with myself or others... I have always had a huge competitive drive, sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes, not so much, and the third main reason: mental clarity. For more than half my life I've struggled with Obsessive Compulsive Anxiety and have tried many different medications, exercising things, and other stuff.. running is the best prescription. Since I've moved to Fenton back in February, I've let my ocd/anxiety guard down. My last house I lived in, was absolutely spotless. I freaked out if anyone put anything somewhere it didn't belong, and I'd stay up super late disinfecting everything and organizing. Isabel told me this morning she was glad I wasn't so "grumpy" about the house like I was in the last one. I don't know if running more lately has helped lessen that or what.. but I'm like.. completely unorganized.
Part of my organization issues bled into running. I have logged every.single.mile since 2002. I have SO many date books filled with miles, routes, times, how I felt during said run, etc. Before my Garmin, I'd log onto mapmyrun.com and meticulously map out a perfect run. Like.. not .1 over or under. Always had to be exact. If I ran with running club, and I didn't have my Garmin, I'd feel super annoyed if I didn't know the exact amount of miles and I'd stress for a week. I don't even know why, I've never done anything with this information except when I was running every single day. And even then, I just figured out my average per day.
Now that I moved, I run with my watch sometimes, sometimes with my phone app.. and I don't have a log. That kiiiinda stresses me out. But at the same time.. it's a breath of fresh air. Part of me feels like I'm standing at this edge of a cliff- an unorganized house/running life cliff and one more unorganized thing thrown in the bunch is just gonna throw me into a black hole. Yesterday I didn't even run with a watch! Maybe if I clean my car and sweep the house, the overwhelming sense of needing to log my every mile ran will subside a little. (maybe that doesn't make sense, but it totally does to me.) But I gotta say.. I've come a long way with needing to feel like I'm controlling every little detail of my life.
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