To say we got a little snow is quite and understatement. For 2 days it was a steady inch an hour accumulation pretty much. On top of all of that snow, the windchill was at a cool -45 degrees Fahrenheit. All of the snow-less parts of the road are frozen over, and you can't even breathe without feeling like the wind is taking your breath away. It's brutal. Part of me wants to just run in it because I like doing things against the norm sometimes and I'd feel pretty tough after. You know, there's no endorphin rush quite like running in the snow paired with sub zero temps. Buuuut. My old ass hurt my back shoveling. I'm way too young for this. I've only been out for like, 2 days, and should be good to go probably tomorrow or the next, but ugh. Monday begins the first week of the Ann Arbor 1/2 Marathon training. Shouldn't be toooo bad, it's just a half. And like I said, my back should be good to go. It might even stretch that bad boy out if I run.
The veganism is going awesomely. I began this journey on October 28, 2013. I weighed in at 139.7. The biggest I'd been besides while being pregnant with my daughter in 2005/2006. I have had no meat since that date, and I can't remember the last time I had anything that wasn't NOT vegan, not just vegetarian. I weighed in yesterday, January 7, 2014- just over 2 months later- at 120.3. I feel great. All of my pants fit well again. and I'm happy. My stomach tattoo is the way it should be, and I don't feel bloated. The goal is to get toned though. I don't want to be "skinny" I want to be fit. I'm getting there! And that makes me happy.
So, I mostly talk about running things, but I need to just vent about life. It is, after all, MY blog & the title is Running & Ramblings.. so here's some ramblings I guess. I also don't think anyone reads this, sooo. I'll write whatever I wanna.
I have a lot of good things in my life. And most people do. But the problem is, I've lived a life filled with depression and anxiety. I've heard time and time again that I can just "focus on the good and everything will be better". No. I realize that almost everyone has been through terrible things, but most people know how to move on. I just don't have the tools in my brain to know how. This doesn't mean I don't try to move on, but I just can't. Almost 2 years ago, I went through the most traumatic time in my whole life. It's not a secret what happened. It tore apart my relationship I was in. I loved that guy, and although I'm in a great relationship with a great guy now, the pain is still there, and I have a really hard time talking to my ex because it was so hard for both of us. We're still decent friends, I mean.. I'd trust him with anything quite frankly, but I just can't even talk to him. That doesn't sound like good friends, I know, but it just fucking hurts, man. Not only that, I lost all of my independence when the whole ordeal took place. I was so sick, I couldn't work for over a month, and I had to live with my mom during that time because I couldn't pay for my own electricity. I lost friends. Now, they say they're still my friend, but heh. They were mutual friends of my ex & me, and I think they felt like they needed to break away from one of us, even though he & I still talk. (it's been like 2 weeks since we spoke, but whatevs) My friends had a going away party and we were all there recently. We talked, and hugged, and all that usual stuff.. then I just cried my entire way home. It's not the relationship I can't get over. It's just the things that happened. I lost my ability to have any more children. I have the best daughter ever, and a great step son.. but to be told I have to make that choice- either permanently make the decision to cut off your ability to reproduce (which has caused some of its own issues) or possibly get pregnant and just basically be on the verge of death again. It fucking sucked. During all of this, I had an anxiety attack so bad, that I couldn't even speak and my ex thought I was having an allergic reaction. I don't even remember that whole week. I understand why my friends broke away. I was losing it. But who the hell wouldn't? This has effected the rest of my life. I'm permanently scarred from this. Physically and emotionally. Before this period, I was a depressed & anxious person, but I feel like this spun me out of control. Insane things have happened in my life before all this, and I got through it, but this has left the biggest impact.
I feel like most people don't like me because they don't understand me. On the internet, I come off as this over the top out going individual who has nothing to hide. In person, I'm a socially awkward, shy mess who doesn't know how to communicate. This has caused an uproar with people. People think I'm rude or bitchy or don't care. I just can't honestly handle being around anyone without a legitimate nervous breakdown. I work in an office of about 30 but nobody really speaks with me during the day, my office is in no man's land. And when residents come in, they hand me their check then leave. When I worked retail, I would sometimes hide in various parts of the store to re group myself, then when I got sick, I kinda diminished as a good employee and inevitably severed my relationship with the store. I have a terrible relationship with my mom, I feel like the whole thing is forced and we don't get along no matter what. I feel like people from high school don't like me for stupid teenager things I did back in the day. Get the fuck over it, I'm almost 26 years old.
I don't NEED to be around people or NEED to have a million friends. But I feel like I am completely alone besides my boyfriend and my kids. I know family is most important, and that's great and all. But I feel like I'm losing my sanity and I'd hate to push him away. He's very understanding- as much as one can me who has never experienced depression and anxiety like I have- and he's very comforting towards me. I couldn't ask for better.
Running is my escape, it really truly is. But I'm starting to think it's not enough. Maybe medication. But that intertwines the whole being a nut bag about gaining weight- which I've mentioned time and time on this blog that I'm super paranoid about my weight.I don't know. I don't even know why I wrote all this. I think I just needed to write it somewhere, and knowing that other people don't really read this made me feel a little better about it.
Or maybe a bunch of random people do read it and they'll all think I'm crazier than ever.
Next time will be positive. And running related only. Promise.
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