If I ever go to lunch, it's always to the same place by my work. I always sit at the bar, order my water in a bigger than normal glass, with ice, extra lemons in a shot glass, and a straw with a napkin, and I know everyone there. I order different food, but even then, it's always ordered Erin-style. Don't worry, I tip them well and use my manners. Recently, they compared me to Jack Nicholson's character from "As Good As It Gets." They totally meant it in a joking way, but they also were totally serious. I'm very particular about every single thing in my life. I feel completely terrible if things aren't how my little head planned it out to be. Eating, sleeping, walking, sitting, laying, driving, running... everything I do in my life has a routine that needs to be followed precisely or all Hell breaks loose in my head. Two different doctors, many years apart, have told me that I had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and sometimes it's super obvious, and sometimes I do a super good job and hide it. Or I think I do a super good job, and it's still super obvious.
Running totally helps manage this. I feel a lot calmer and like I have a better control of my life if I run. That's common for runners because of endorphins. But the super annoying part about all of this is when I'm visibly calmer about the rest of life, I get insanely obsessive about running. I have to know the exact miles I ran, down to the hundredth of a mile. I double and triple check with my Garmin, RunBuddy, or mapmyrun, then I hand write it in my log. I've kept hand written logs since 2002 when I entered high school and we were encouraged to do so. I've never really looked back on them, but God forbid any of them ever get thrown away. Yesterday, for the first time in my life, I spent an hour making an Excel sheet so I could log my miles that way. After it was all done, I deleted it. I couldn't possibly do it online that way. That's seriously why I use three different ways to log my miles.. so they're not all in one spot online and I can continue to do it with my pen and paper.There's no in between to my running- I either run every day, consistently, or like, once a week tops, and don't tell anyone about it if I'm on the slacker end because I don't want to be categorized as a slacker. I don't think I know what it's like to be a runner just for fitness. I have to know all the calculations of miles, time I start, which method of logging I'll be using, if it's a fast or slow run, and plan the day's route way ahead of time or it feels wrong and I get anxious. I have all of my race bibs, but when I moved once, I accidentally left behind a box full of bibs from high school and even though that was 7 years ago, I still feel guilty about not having them and wonder if they're still hanging out in the box in the cupboard that I left them in, even though I know they're in the Montrose dump. Last summer, I was able to convince myself that I could wear my hair a different way besides braided pig tails and that I wouldn't spontaneously combust if I went running with a pony tail instead. I can't run without gum. And not just any gum, it has to be Big Red. I have to drive with gum too, though. It's a nerve thing, not a spit thing. During a race my freshman year in high school, I was chewing my gum and bit my cheek so hard that blood blew up my face and up to my eye. The list goes on. I once wrote about my superstitions, but this is different. This is like.. some stupid thing that controls me and if I do it the way my brain tells me I should, then I weirdly feel like I'm controlling the situation. But the situation has always and will always control me, and I weirdly like it and need it in my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment